IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some manufacturers who produce food and drinks add more
sugar
, which generates many health problems. Sugary
products
 should be made costly to encourage
people
 to consume less
sugar
. I personally agree that making sugary
products
 more expensive will help to reduce
sugar
 consumption. First and foremost, sugary
products
 are widely available nowadays, and we can find them easily.
People
 can buy sugary
products
 everywhere,
such
 as supermarkets, minimarkets, and even at schools.
As a result
,
people
 of all ages, from children to adults can buy sugary
products
 without difficulty.
For example
, in Indonesian schools, syrup is commonly sold in canteens.
Although
 the syrup contains a lot of
sugar
, it is a popular drink in elementary school and junior high school because the price is low.
Furthermore
, higher prices can limit the number of buyers. Consumers will be more likely to think twice before buying an expensive product.
For instance
, pasteurized
milk
 is healthier, tastier, and contains less
sugar
 than full-cream
milk
, but full-cream
milk
 is more popular because it is cheaper. Since pasteurized
milk
 is more expensive, many buyers prefer to choose full-cream
milk
.
Finally
,
although
 some
people
 might argue that rising prices will affect
people
's finances, there is no doubt that governments must take action to regulate sugary
products
. One step that can be taken is to increase the cost of sugary
products
 to encourage
people
 to consume less
sugar
. In conclusion, I believe by making sugary
products
 more expensive,
people
 will be encouraged to consume less sugary
products
, which can lead to better health outcomes.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Consider providing more elaboration on potential drawbacks of increased pricing and possible alternative solutions, to present a well-rounded argument.
Coherence Cohesion
Ensure that all points flow smoothly within and between paragraphs, and consider using additional linking words for clarity.
Task Achievement
Clear stance is expressed throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Specific examples are utilized effectively to support the main points.
Coherence Cohesion
Logical structure and paragraphing contribute well to understanding.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: