IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for the government to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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In several nations, the government is encouraged to increase fast
food
Use synonyms
 taxes because the behaviour of consuming excessive fast
food
Use synonyms
 has caused more people to suffer from
health
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 issues. Some argue that because those foods may harm public
health
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 and
thus
Linking Words
 increase expenses, the idea is preferable.
In contrast
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 to the first argument, some
also
Linking Words
 say that
this
Linking Words
 type of cuisine is a life-saver for some groups of people. I personally agree with the latter statement
due to
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 the various backgrounds that individuals have. The diseases caused by fast
food
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 are very expensive to cure.
As a result
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, the government will have to spend a lot of money to subsidize the
health
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 care of a patient who is dealing with illness
due to
Linking Words
 unhealthy eating behaviour.
For instance
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, the Indonesian Government has spent a lot of money to combat heart diseases that are caused by an unhealthy diet. Not only treating the ill
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 preventing the illness through the construction of
health
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 infrastructures,
such
Linking Words
 as a fitness park.
Although
Linking Words
 it is considered unhealthy, some people rely on
this
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 type of dish for their daily lives. If the tax increases, there will be even fewer menu options for them.
For instance
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, workers, who work on a busy schedule with a limited amount of money, have no choice but to eat that cuisine because of its economic price and very rapid serving. As a conclusion, a rise in tax rate may be necessary
due to
Linking Words
 the expensive costs of disease treatments.
However
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, in reality, there are
also
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 individuals unlucky enough to only have the sole option of having fast
food
Use synonyms
 on their menu.

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task response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument and attempts to provide a balanced view. However, it could benefit from further development and more detailed arguments to strengthen your stance and provide a more comprehensive response.
task response
Ensure each main point is fully developed and supported with specific examples or evidence. For instance, expand on why fast food is considered a 'life-saver' for certain groups beyond merely convenience or affordability.
coherence cohesion
The essay is structured logically with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using linking phrases to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and serve their purposes well, though expanding the conclusion to include a summary of the main points discussed could make the argument more compelling.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction provides a clear overview of the topic and presents the writer's stance.
relevant specific examples
The essay includes relevant examples, such as the financial support provided by the Indonesian Government, which helps ground the argument in real-world context.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Overconsumption
  • Chronic diseases
  • Obesity
  • Diabetes
  • Cardiovascular health
  • Sin tax
  • Subsidize
  • Affordability
  • Nutritional awareness
  • Paternalism
  • Socio-economic disparities
  • Industry lobbying
  • Public health initiatives
  • Consumer behavior
  • Regulatory measures
  • Health-conscious
  • Processed foods
  • Fiscal policy
  • Preventative healthcare
  • Behavioral economics
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