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Band 5

The best way to improve children’s life is fathers and mothers attending course for parenting and child development.

#children’s #life #fathers #mothers #course #child #development
Better lives
children
 come from better parenting
skills
. In fact, I strongly agree with those who feel that mothers and fathers should attend parenting
courses
 to improve their parenting
skills
.
Firstly
, parenting
courses
 can help
parents
 to appropriate their
children
’s needs. It is well known that parenting
skills
 teach
parents
 how to prepare their
children
's development tools
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
physically and mentally.
For instance
,
parents
 will be teaching how to support their
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 development and how to prepare
appropriately
Change the word
appropriate
show examples
 education for their son. So, with attending parenting
courses
parents
 will be ready to satisfy their
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 needs.
Therefore
, parenting
courses
 are important things to ensure that
parents
 are ready to educate their
children
, and
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can
bring
Verb problem
have
show examples
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
 impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
.
Secondly
,
parents
 with
appropriately
Change the word
appropriate
show examples
 parenting
skills
 can give enough affection and love for their
children
,
as a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 their son will feel happy and safe. As we know,
children
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
growing
Wrong verb form
grow
show examples
in
Change preposition
up in
show examples
full
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
of
love
Replace the word
loving
show examples
 environment tend to have better mental health, self -confident and can
get
Verb problem
be
show examples
 high
achiever
Fix the agreement mistake
achievers
show examples
 in
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
school. With parenting
courses
,
children
 will get enough affection and
feeling
Wrong verb form
feel
show examples
 happy in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
therefore
, parenting
courses
 can encourage
parents
 to create an environment which can support their
children
’s happiness.
As a result
,
children
 will feel happy and full of love. In conclusion, parenting
courses
 have positive impacts to ensure
parents
 have enough
skills
 to educate their son and it can lead to
children
's happiness. I,
therefore
, remain firmly that mothers and fathers should attend parenting
courses
 to improve their parenting
skills
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to support your points. For instance, mentioning particular parenting course topics or techniques could enhance your argument.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay has a clear structure, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Using transition words can improve the flow of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which provides a solid framework for your argument.
task achievement
The task is addressed well, with a strong stance taken on the importance of parenting courses in improving children's lives.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • parenting skills
  • child development
  • up-to-date knowledge
  • effective child-rearing techniques
  • positive disciplinary methods
  • emotional and psychological needs
  • cognitive development
  • timely intervention
  • professional support
  • financial constraints
  • familial knowledge
  • community support
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