In today's world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
When
people
are showering money on appearance, they often overlook a
thought-provoking fact that they are dedicated to being an appropriate object prepared for Correct article usage
the
others
' looks, which, in my opinion, is a regrettable consequence of modern moral theories. I personally would not regard it as an advancement, but willing to share my thinking about its origin and adverse influences.
To fully recognise the disadvantages of the overemphasis on individuals' appearances, it is necessary to explore its causes. The primary one, from my perspective, is that the tendency to abandon teleology, that is
, an opinion that humans are inherently with some missions, on the level of philosophy has constantly permeated into daily lives, resulting in a pervasive sense of confusion among ordinary people
. A compelling evidence of this
feeling is an interview published in Time in 2024, where a South Korean young woman who had spent over 1.5 million dollars on cosmetic surgery conceded that she could clearly feel a massive vacancy in her heart. She had not known how to fill it and decided that at least the illusion that everyone was desiring her could more or less mitigate that feeling. This
illustrates the lack of mission has brought contemporaries strong confusion and frustration, the disproportionate focus on appearances merely serving as a substitute.
However
, the substitute is not useful as, unlike the potent feeling of protecting family or safeguarding motherland, it lacks the ability to awaken individuals' spiritual power. What has taken place is a strong impulse to attract attention, and during the process, individuals gradually shift the centre of their lives from ameliorating themselves to wooing others
' pleasure. In other words
, they unconsciously subordinate themselves to others
. These kinds of examples are myriad, for illustration, my nephew is a 13-year-old boy who is in the age of aspiring classmates' admiration and exclamation. Thereupon
, he sometimes wears a thin jacket which he thinks is "cool" even in winter. Obviously, the image of him in others
' eyes conceived by himself is more important than his health, which is a typical example of yielding the centre of one's own life to others
.
In summary, in my opinion, the primary cause of cosmetic anxiety is that contemporary people
are losing their sense of mission. This
leads to widespread confusion and frustration, which in turn stimulates people
to seek condolence from others
attention. However
, this
cannot emancipate people
from the suffering of vacancy, what can work is to restore missions meriting our determination and efforts.Submitted by hx88375757 on
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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which is great for guiding the reader. However, while the main points are present and generally supported, they could be more effectively connected to improve the flow of the essay. Consider using more explicit transitional phrases to enhance coherence and cohesion.
task response
While you address the task well by discussing both the causes and effects of the current trend, some of your ideas could be more clearly articulated to enhance the task response. Make sure each point is clearly tied back to the question and thoroughly explained.
task response
Your essay includes several relevant examples, which is a strong point. However, some of these examples, such as the interview reference, could benefit from more detail or explanation to fully illustrate the point you are making.
coherence cohesion
Your essay provides a strong introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the discussion.
task response
You have addressed the task prompt well by covering both the reasons behind the trend and your perspective on whether it is positive or negative.
task response
Incorporating examples like the interview from Time and the personal anecdote about your nephew adds depth to your analysis.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite