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Writing Samples
Band 6

Society is becoming obsessed with material good like cars, designer clothes and jewellery. We have stopped carrying about the important things and that is why divorce rates are so high. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#society #cars #designer #clothes #jewellery #divorce #rates
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 is no denying that the 21st century is a materialistic
society
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 as most
people
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 want to opt for lavish lifestyles in their lives
this
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 trend influences more
separtions
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separations
separation
 among couples. I, personally agree with
this
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 notion and in the following paragraphs, I will examine the reasons behind
this
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 phenomenon. To commence with, let us shed some light on the reasons why
this
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 problem arises in
society
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. First and foremost, as more
people
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 these days run in a rat race to earn more and more
money
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thus
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 after becoming financially stable they spend their hard-earned
money
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 to improve their personality.
For example
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, research conducted by the University of British Columbia in Canada in the Year 2012 on a group of 20% of individuals who work in the IT sector revealed that about 30% of their income they spent on buying cars and fashion clothes just to look attractive and flaunt their status in front of peers.
Hence
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, just to become attractive, they spend their
money
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 on these products...
On the other hand
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. let us delve deeper into the latter viewpoint of why the divorce rate has increased.
Firstly
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 , when an individual becomes financially independent they believe they no longer need a partner to advise them
moreover
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 they feel their privacy is disturbed. To elaborate, as today's world is more consumerism because a lot of promotion is happening in buying fancy products on online platforms
such
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 as Instagram and Facebook ,when a female partner opts to buy those products their male partner declines ,
this
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 raises the problem in conflict among each other and becomes one of the problem in increasing divorce rates.
Secondly
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, the majority of
people
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 think if they do not spend their
money
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 on buying fancy clothes and big cars they do not get respect from
society
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 because in the 21st
century
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century,
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 everybody wants to interact with rich
people
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 as these
people
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 have a name and fame in
society
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. To recapitulate, it can be considered that these problems arise because just because each individual is earning a lot of
money
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 with their work they sense financially stable in their life.
Furthermore
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, owing to fame and name in
society
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 they spend big chunks of
money
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 on buying fancy clothes and modern cars.
Submitted by navdeepbajaj89 on

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task achievement
While the essay explores several reasons behind materialism and its influence on divorce rates, it could benefit from a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to clearly outline your stance from the beginning.
task achievement
Some points need more depth; for instance, discussing why financial independence might lead to disregard for relationships could be expanded with more examples or analysis.
coherence cohesion
Ensure transitions between paragraphs are smooth to maintain logical flow and coherence. This can be achieved by linking ideas explicitly from one paragraph to the next.
coherence cohesion
The essay introduces main points effectively in the introduction and provides a clear conclusion, summarizing key arguments.
task achievement
The use of research, such as the University of British Columbia study, strengthens the argument and provides concrete evidence.
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