IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many parents are unhappy about the fact that the violence content in computer games, TV programs and other leisure activities is influencing their children. What are the harmful effects of such violent programs on children? What are the solutions of this problem?

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In recent times violence in computer
games
Use synonyms
 has increased around the world.
This
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 essay will outline the main effects of
this
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 phenomenon and provide a logical solution. There are two major effects on
children
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's lives which are less concentration and health issues.
To begin
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,one of the first problems caused by violent
games
Use synonyms
 is the distribution.
Children
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 are not able to focus well on their activities.
For example
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, the result of conducting research at Glasgow University illustrates that 90% of
children
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 who spend a long time are suffering
due to
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 playing violent
games
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 .
Thus
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, it enhances the lack of recognition and reduces their academic performance. Another issue to be considered is that violent
games
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 have been linked to many mental health issues
such
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 as depression and anxiety.
For instance
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, my friend's child felt too worried
due to
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 these
games
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. In my opinion, to address
this
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 problem I believe that a possible solution to be noticed is if governments can reduce the implementation policies to the use of violent
games
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 and offer better-educated
games
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 in schools. Another solution is looking after
children
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 and avoiding using
Such
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games
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 like them. Parents should replace violent
games
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 with physical activities to develop their
children
Use synonyms
's skills. In conclusion, game violence is very dangerous for
children
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. The effects of these
games
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 could be on their health and their academic level.
Therefore
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, both the governments and parents have the priority to change
this
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 habit and encourage their
children
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 to play useful
games
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.

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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, try to provide more detailed examples and explanations for your arguments. This will strengthen the points you make and give your essay more depth.
coherence cohesion
Focus on refining the logical structure by ensuring each paragraph flows naturally into the next. Include transitions that connect ideas clearly for smooth reading.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a clear start and wrap-up to your arguments. Keep maintaining this clarity and summary.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the topic by identifying both problems and solutions.
task achievement
You provide specific examples, which strengthen your arguments, such as the study from Glasgow University and the anecdote about your friend's child.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured, clearly outlining your main argument and summarizing your points effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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