Today, children play very cruel games. This should be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most of the world's major cities. What do you think about this?
It is true that nowadays,
children
spent
most of their time Wrong verb form
spend
on
playing violent Change preposition
apply
video
games
. Because of that, violent
Correct article usage
the violent
and
crime rate increases at a pace rate in some large cities of the world. I think, cruel Correct word choice
apply
games
are responsible to some extent but there are other factors who
are more responsible of occurring that situation. Correct pronoun usage
that
Therefore
, there is need
to take effective measures to reduce the effects of that problem.
On the one hand, the trend of playing Correct article usage
a need
video
games
are
gaining popularity among Correct subject-verb agreement
is
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
such
as little
fairy, Capitalize word
Little
blue whales
and Pub Correct your spelling
Blue Whales
g
are Correct your spelling
which
effecting
Correct your spelling
affecting
children
's brain
continuously. As per the reports, Pub g encourages Fix the agreement mistake
brains
crimininal
mentality, suicides and negative mindset Correct your spelling
criminal
instead
of enhancing intellectual capability. In this
way, their mind is automatically controlled by these machines and they are unable to differentiate the
real and Change preposition
between the
reel
world. Correct your spelling
real
Moreover
, violent video
games
make children
's nature more aggressive and arrogant when they feel themselves under pressure. For instance
, last
year, a 15 years old
boy in Correct your spelling
15-year-old
Maharashrta
allegedly killed his elder brother who was scolding him Correct your spelling
Maharashtra
from
playing Change preposition
for
games
over
Change preposition
on
mobile
phone. Correct pronoun usage
his mobile
In addition
, children
become more addicted of
playing Change preposition
to
games
and could not
control themselves from playing Wrong verb form
cannot
it
. Correct pronoun usage
them
Consequently
, they loose
their interest in studies and achieving lower grades in schools Replace the word
lose
make
their nature criminal.
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
On the other hand
, video
games
are not solely responsible of
rising crime rates in Change the preposition
for
an
urban areas. There are some societal factors Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
such
as poverty, unemployment and lack of proper education are the main reasons of happening these kind
of circumstances. So, Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
Goverenment
should take Correct your spelling
government
Correct article usage
the neccessary
neccessary
steps to cope with that situation promptly by providing better job opportunities and improved education standards Correct your spelling
necessary
to
people. So that, they can improve their standard of living Change preposition
for
as well as
ameliorate criminal mentality. Another point is that,
parents should keep an eye on their Remove the comma
apply
children
's activities and provide friendly
and parental Add an article
a friendly
guide
to their Replace the word
guidance
children
if they are in dilemma to choose right
direction. Add an article
the right
Also
, parents should limit their screen timing
and Replace the word
time
encourages
them to Change the verb form
encourage
spent
most of their time Wrong verb form
spend
in
doing extra-curricular activities. Change preposition
apply
As a result
, they can focus on important tasks instead
of wasting it on playing games
only.
In conclusion, cruel games
are not merely accountable for making chidren's
mentality criminal but there are poverty, improper educational Correct your spelling
children's
standard
and lack of employment opportunities are the main causes of Fix the agreement mistake
standards
happening
Verb problem
apply
this
era. And this
can be eliminated only by taking immediate actions by parents and by official authorities.Submitted by kaurjagdeep2097 on
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task response
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that occasionally make it difficult to follow your ideas. Review grammar rules and proofread to enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, the conclusion could more decisively unify the key points discussed.
task response
The essay thoughtfully presents both sides of the argument, providing a balanced perspective on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of the essay, with distinct paragraphs for different aspects of the discussion, helps in readability and cohesion.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.