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Writing Samples
Band 7

Is music just a kind of entertainment?Or does it play an important role in society?Discuss two opinions and show your one.

#music #entertainment #role #society #two #show
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Nowadays,
music
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 is commonly available
such
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 as in movies,in community halls or even on humans’ phones which they carry with them everywhere.
Thus
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,There is an inconclusive argument about
music
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's role as to whether it is just
a
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recreation or it is crucial to
people
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's lives.From my perspective,
music
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 has become more important these days and humans cannot live without it for various reasons which will be discussed in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with,some
people
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 indicate that
music
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 is just for amusement
according to
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 its original purpose.In the past when technology was not advanced enough,
music
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 was rarely presented.At that time, humans were still able to live normally and only had an opportunity to listen to
music
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 in places where their objective was for pleasure
such
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 as festivals or cinemas.
Although
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music
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 brings a great amount of satisfaction to
people
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,humans can survive without it.
On the other hand
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,critics argue that these days
music
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’s role has changed because its necessity has been recognized.
In other words
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,there is
a
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scientific research cited that not only does
music
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 loosen mental diseases in patients suffering from anxiety or depression but
also
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 it aids patients with physical diseases as its ability can lower blood pressure and heart rate.
Moreover
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,because of its potential to alter
people
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's moods,it has been utilized broadly in numerous media and commercial advertisements enhancing viewers’ emotions.
Consequently
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,if
music
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 vanished from the world,we would feel unfamiliar. In conclusion,
music
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 is no longer used solely for entertainment purposes.Its capability has been significantly acknowledged these days as many
people
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 apply it in many sectors namely medicine and the economic sector.
Submitted by chawanat.pla on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to enhance logical flow.
Task Achievement
Provide one or two specific examples for each point to strengthen arguments, such as specific scientific studies or statistics.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding slightly more on the impact of music beyond medicine and economics, such as its cultural significance.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion and encapsulate the main points well.
Task Achievement
You successfully present and contrast two sides of the argument regarding music's role.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay maintains a clear focus and well-presented position throughout.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • perspective
  • primarily
  • leisure
  • relaxation
  • atmosphere
  • enhance
  • mood
  • background sound
  • cultural expression
  • communication
  • reflect
  • societal values
  • influence
  • social change
  • cultural identity
  • awareness
  • historical record
  • synthesize
  • viewpoints
  • engaging emotions
  • significance
  • social landscapes
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