IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this To what extent do you agree?

#prevention #health #illness #treatment #medicine #government
The
government
 should allocate funding for
health
 to make sure their
people
 are healthier. In fact, I personally agree with those who feel that
government
 funding for disease
prevention
 is more necessary than for
medicine
.
Firstly
,
prevention
 of
health
 issues can help reduce
health
 insurance costs in a country. Countries which have many low-income individuals often cause
medicine
 costs because many
people
 suffer from poor nutrition
lack
Correct word choice
and lack
show examples
 access to clean drinking water.
Additionally
, when
people
 in a country are healthy, they will rarely need
medicine
, allowing the
government
 to reduce spending on
medicine
.
This
 shows that the healthier
people
 are in a country, the less
medicine
 funding the
government
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to allocate for medical treatment.
Therefore
, by focusing on the
prevention
 of
health
problems
 and illness, countries can manage
health
 insurance expenses more effectively.
Secondly
,
prevention
 of
health
problems
 can make
people
 more prosperous. It is well-known that when we are suffering from illness, we need money to buy vitamins and drugs.
Moreover
, when someone is sick, they may experience both
physic
Replace the word
physical
show examples
 and mental.
For instance
, if employees are sick for an extended period, they risk losing their jobs which can cause financial
problems
 due
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
lack of income.
This
 illustrates that
health
problems
 can impact financial well-being. The healthier
people
 are, the more prosperous their lives can be.
Therefore
,
prevention
Correct article usage
the prevention
show examples
 of
health
problems
 is an essential factor in enhancing
people
's prosperity. In conclusion, preventing
health
 issues can help the
government
 to reduce
health
 costs and enhance the prosperity of their citizen. I,
therefore
, remain firmly convinced that allocating funding for disease
prevention
 is more beneficial than focusing primarily on medical treatment.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your essay responds well to the prompt, focusing clearly on prevention versus treatment. Include more specific examples or data to support your points more robustly.
coherence and cohesion
Add a bit more detail in your main points to connect ideas more vividly. Consider examples that specifically illustrate how prevention improves health outcomes.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. You maintain a consistent focus throughout.
coherence and cohesion
The arguments are logical and well supported by your reasoning. The transition between paragraphs is smooth, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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