IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

People nowadays are spending more time at the workplace and it is argued that this is a problem for family life. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

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Presently, humans are spending more
time
Use synonyms
 at the workplace and it is assumed that family lives are affected greatly by it.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees completely with
this
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 statement, because during
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 day, people have limited
hours
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 and employees are struggling with getting more paid and
traffic
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 issues,
therefore
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 they are staying for late
hours
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 and barely, have any
time
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 left for the family.
To begin
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 with, employers and companies are making more complex work
hours
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,
such
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 as 9-5 rather than 9-2,
furthermore
Linking Words
, declining the wage per hour so that people are obliged to work till midnight in order to nurture the family properly.
Thus
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, in families, couples with offspring, especially mothers, are leaving maternity and paternity holidays quite early.
As a result
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, the children have to spend the majority of their
time
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 without their parents and it leads to some behaviour issues like crimes, joining gangs etc. in the future.
Moreover
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,
as well as
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 working
hours
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, there is a
traffic
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 problem, which contributes heavily to huge
time
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 consumption on the roads, particularly in the megapolis cities.
For example
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, it is evident that the majority of workers finish their jobs at 6 pm and they take off straight away at the same
time
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.
As a consequence
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, roads are loaded by public transport and vehicles, so it creates
traffic
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 jams, which reduces the
time
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 that should be spent with a family, couples come home after being stressed because of
traffic
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 and reflect negatively each other by these nerves. In conclusion, at the moment, people are spending
time
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 more than average in the office and companies and it is believed that it gives rise to family problems. It absolutely agrees, because humans are not able to have unlimited
time
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 in a day, they should spend more
hours
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 to be well paid
due to
Linking Words
 the low salary,
in addition
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 to
this
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,
traffic
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 restricts the
time
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 that could be spent with family.

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task achievement
Ensure that examples provided are relevant and effectively illustrate the points being discussed. For instance, while the essay mentions 'traffic problems' and living in 'megapolis cities', providing specific examples or statistical data would strengthen this point.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to enhance the logical flow of the essay. Words like 'moreover', 'furthermore', and 'thus' are already used well. Consider incorporating additional transitions for further clarity, such as 'while', 'on the other hand' and 'as a result'.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear and structured response to the task, adequately covering the aspects suggested by the question.
coherence cohesion
The arguments are well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helps to maintain coherence throughout.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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