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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In the 21st century, many companies allow their employees to work from home. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages?

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Many businesses permit their staff members to
work
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 remotely through computers in The 21st century . Despite there being a few negatives to be linked to
this
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 tendency, I feel that the possible benefits would be far more considerable. There are mainly three drawbacks for
employees
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. From an individual perspective, some
companies
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such
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 as Microsoft, Google ,Apple and others big
companies
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 want their
employees
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 to
work
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 in their offices
due to
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 the fact that they consider it more efficient for
workers
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. Take,
for example
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, some
companies
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 want
employees
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 to
work
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 together to acquire good results. A
further
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 drawback is that
such
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workers
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 get used to a solitary lifestyle .
As a consequence
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 , people are used to
such
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 a lifestyle and
this
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 leads to being overweight and asociality .
Additionally
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, after a
while
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 they get lazy , so they lose some skills
such
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 as waking up an early or active lifestyle and their
work
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 quality decreases. Compared to the above-discussed disadvantages,
however
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 , there seem to be more benefits of working from
home
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 .
First,
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some
companies
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 are struggling with their budgets and are better off working from
home
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 because they can't afford a place for their
employees
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.
Furthermore
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, some individuals think that working at
home
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 is more efficient for
workers
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 owing to the fact that they do not waste time with going to
work
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 .
Hence
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 they can more rest than
workers
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 who go to
work
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 every day and
home
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 is cosy for most people.
In addition
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, 2 years ago, one of the
companies
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 decided to have all their staff stay at
home
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 and
work
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 from
home
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due to
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 Covid-19.
As a result
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, the company was chosen as the best company of the year To summarize, I would maintain that the benefits of remote
work
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 because
that is
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 more good
workers
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 because they suffer less than other
workers
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 and I think that the results are good enough

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Language Use
To improve further, try to enrich your essay with a more varied vocabulary. This would allow you to express your ideas more precisely and engagingly.
Introduction & Conclusion Structure
Consider using a clearer introduction and conclusion to strengthen your argument. This will help in making your position more explicit from the beginning and summarizing your viewpoint effectively at the end.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence, work on smoother transitions between paragraphs. Using linking phrases can help create a more fluid and natural progression of ideas.
Balanced Argument
You provided a balanced view by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of working from home, which is crucial for a task like this.
Use of Examples
Using specific examples, such as the mention of companies like Microsoft, Google, and Apple, strengthens your argument and makes it more convincing.
Conclusion
Your conclusion ties together the essay's main points well, reaffirming your stance effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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