IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend time on their smartphones. Why this is? is it a positive or nagative development?

#children #time #smartphones #nagative #development
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Some
children
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 spend
hours
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 on their
smartphones
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 every day.
This
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 is the case because
children
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 find
smartphones
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 very addictive. I personally believe that it is a negative development because it consumes their valuable
time
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. Every day
children
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 spend
hours
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 on their phones because they are addictive.
Children
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 find
smartphones
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 engaging and they cannot resist scrolling.
Smartphones
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 provide them with
an
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apply
show examples
access to the Internet which allows them to watch countless content on social media, play games, browse websites and many more.
Therefore
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, they spend a significant amount of
time
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 every day on
smartphones
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 because they find them funny and entertaining.
For example
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,
children
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 in India spend hour after hour on their phones watching reels because they find them funny. I personally believe that spending
hours
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 on
smartphones
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 is a negative development because it consumes a lot of valuable
time
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.
Children
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 can utilize that
time
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in
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for
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 some productive work. They can play, study, and spend
time
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 with their families. If
smartphones
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 consume a significant amount of their valuable
time
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, they have
a
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apply
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very little amount of
time
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 to complete their daily tasks.
As a result
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, it affects their everyday performance at school and home.
For example
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, in the USA,
children
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 spend around 5 to 6
hours
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 on their
smartphones
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 and it affects their academic performance at school. In conclusion,
children
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 find the content of the Internet addictive and
therefore
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, they cannot stop scrolling. I personally believe that it is a positive development because it affects their performance at school and home.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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conclusion
Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the main points of the essay more clearly. This will reinforce your argument and provide a satisfying closure for the reader. Additionally, ensure consistency in the argument as the conclusion states it is a 'positive development,' which contradicts the earlier negative stance.
coherence
Use transitional words and phrases more frequently to improve the flow between sentences and ideas. This will help in maintaining coherence and making your essay easier to read.
task response
Ensure that examples provided are directly tied to the argument being made, and avoid overgeneralizing. This can provide a stronger and more relevant support to your main points.
task response
The essay clearly identifies the reasons children spend time on smartphones and provides relevant examples to support the point.
coherence
The essay maintains focus on the negative impacts of children spending too much time on smartphones, which aligns with the stated opinion.
cohesion
Main ideas are well-supported with specific examples, which enhances the argument presented.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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