IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many teenagers now have their own smart phone. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this and give your own opinion.

#teenagers #phone
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Some would argue that all
teenagers
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 should not have their own
smartphones
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, and
this
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 is not good for kids,
while
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 others would say that a
smartphone
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 can provide some benefits.
While
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smartphones
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 can destroy
teenagers
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'
health
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, I believe that they result in
teenagers
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 exercising and becoming overweight. The main disadvantage of having a
smartphone
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 is being physically weak.
Also
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, it has a lot of opportunities for other websites, which can be really harmful to his mental
health
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.
Teenagers
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 play video games the whole day and spend their day just for free.
Moreover
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, he does not know as well that he destroyed his vision.
For example
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, scientists approved that in the 19th century, in one class there were a maximum of 2 students with glasses.
However
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, now in one class, we have at least six students with eye problems. Having a
smartphone
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 will increase technological development. Nowadays we have a lot of
teenagers
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 who work for big companies like Tesla. It is obvious that they started using a
smartphone
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 or other device when they were young.
Also
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 nowadays, there are a lot of opportunities to fix problems with the eye or body, respectively. But the most common reason why all
teenagers
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 should have
smartphones
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 is childhood trauma. If one teenager has a
smartphone
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, it is obvious that his friends or besties want to have a
smartphone
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, analogically. And if his parents can not afford to buy him a
smartphone
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, a teenager or kid will get a childhood trauma.
For example
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, I was the only person in my class who did not have a
smartphone
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. I cried every single day to my parents to get a
smartphone
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.
While
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 my classmates played video games on their
smartphones
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. In conclusion,
although
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 a
smartphone
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 can destroy the mental
health
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 or body
health
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 of
teenagers
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, the lack of a
smartphone
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 can be a reason for suicide.
Submitted by bizhanalikhan6 on

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task achievement
Make sure your main points directly address the topic and are supported by clear and relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Improve the sequence and clarity of the ideas presented in the paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
Try to enhance your vocabulary and use more varied sentence structures to better articulate your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that frame the discussion well.
task achievement
You provided some examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
task achievement
You showed an awareness of different perspectives on the topic, which adds depth to your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • communication
  • access to information
  • safety and security
  • entertainment
  • educational opportunities
  • addiction
  • excessive screen time
  • cyberbullying
  • online harassment
  • distraction
  • lack of focus
  • privacy concerns
  • social disconnection
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • opinion
  • outweigh
  • limits
  • screen time
  • online safety
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