The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. To what extent do you agree?
Nowadays,
people
are facing health issues, and numbers are rising rapidly. Hence
, it is said that hospitals are not able to provide treatment at full potential because of an increasing number of obese people
. And it
is believed that Correct word choice
It
this
problem could be solved by teaching the benefits of a healthy physical lifestyle. I disagree with the statement as there are other ways to tackle this
issue.
To begin
with, the government can play a paramount role in improving people
's health as well as
the healthcare system. In other words
, the promotion of a healthy lifestyle such
as playing sports, and organizing events and podcasts on TV, Online platforms and locally can spread awareness among the citizens. Apart from
this
, allocating the budget to the healthcare sector for developing a new hospital in the country would significantly reduce the burden. For example
, many countries have invested a big chunk of their budget to improve the
hospital equipment, technology and infrastructure. Correct article usage
apply
This
has increased the capacity to treat people
. Moreover
, Individuals are responsible for taking care of their health. Although
the general public may have limited knowledge about doing exercise, for instance
, Yoga, can learn it from online platforms and from books. Additionally
, food companies can contribute to improving customers' weight issues by introducing healthy food products, which are low in sugar and fats.
On the other hand
, educational
institute plays a paramount role in resolving the obesity problem countrywide. Add an article
the educational
Firstly
, the education minister could add a subject on living a fit and disease-free life where learners are taught what to eat and exercises that help them to reduce body weight. Therefore
, by the time they graduate, they already have developed a habit of eating healthy and doing physical activity. However
, this
is not sufficient to improve the overall
problem.
In conclusion, while
schools and universities could teach the
to Correct your spelling
them
adopting
healthy habits in daily life to lower the strain on doctors, the government and individuals will have a higher impact.Change the verb form
adopt
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task response
Your response effectively addresses the task, providing several perspectives on how to tackle the problem of rising obesity rates. However, you could deepen the discussion by expanding on how exactly other interventions can complement physical education in schools, to balance your argument further.
coherence cohesion
Some parts of your essay lack clear transitions between ideas, which can disrupt the flow. Make use of more linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your points. Remember to connect your points back to the main argument for clearer coherence.
task response
You included a well-rounded argument by considering multiple ways to address the obesity issue, not just focusing on physical education in schools.
coherence cohesion
The essay is structured with clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument from beginning to end.
task response
You did well in providing relevant and specific examples, like the investment in hospital equipment by certain countries, to support your points.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example