The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. To what extent do you agree?

In today’s fast-paced world, many individuals express serious concern about obesity, believing that it could lead to significant challenges
such
as putting huge pressure on the healthcare system to deal with
this
issue.
However
, many argue that changing the school curriculum to introduce more physical activities could offer some substantial benefits to tackle
this
problem. In my opinion, I firmly agree
this
approach is crucial for achieving success in decreasing the number of overweight people. A key reason why I strongly support introducing gym classes in schools is its powerful impact on our
children
’s health, significantly enhancing their physical well-being.
In other words
, when schools change their policy to make juveniles do some exercises each week, it develops vital habits to exercise at home which will support the
overall
health.
For instance
, after modifying the school’s curriculum in Jordan,
children
do sport twice a week, which showed to be enough
according to
many researchers to overcome the sedentary lifestyle they have.
This
example demonstrates how
this
approach not only addresses the potential issue but
also
optimizes processes, making them more effective and efficient.
Therefore
, gym classes are crucial for achieving success in reducing the load on hospitals to treat obese people.
Moreover
, embracing physical exercises in our education system brings notable benefits across various aspects of
children
. It educates our
children
about the harmful effects of a sedentary lifestyle.
This
means that
children
are playing video games and eating junk food at home without any awareness of the detrimental consequences on their health, which leads to more overweight cases in the community.
As a result
of that, hospitals in recent years are associated with more high blood pressure, diabetes, and stroke cases compared to 40 years ago. Evidence shows that tackling the problem at a younger age will ensure effectiveness. In conclusion, I am convinced that the obesity problem could be tackled by introducing some physical activities in the school curriculum because it drives motivation for sustainable practices, enhances well-being, and ultimately leads to less pressure on the healthcare system. The evidence is clear: the benefits of
this
approach far outweigh any potential drawbacks, making it the wiser choice in today’s complex world.
Submitted by saif_omar98 on

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task response
While your essay presents a clear argument, further elaboration on why more physical education directly leads to reduced healthcare strain would strengthen your task response.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each main point is consistently and logically developed throughout the paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a well-structured introduction and conclusion, clearly outlining your viewpoint.
task response
You provided a good example from Jordan, which effectively supports your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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