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Band 6.5

The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
The line graph compares the thousands of spectators,who
reffered
Correct your spelling
referred
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 two different
music
Use synonyms
webniners
Correct your spelling
webinars
webzines
 within 15 days.
Overall
Linking Words
,it can be seen that,
although
Linking Words
 the website
Pop
Use synonyms
Parade
Use synonyms
 had fluctuations, it retained the highest proportion at the starting point,
as well as
Linking Words
 the ending point.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the 1st
day
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the
Music
Use synonyms
Choice
Use synonyms
achived
Correct your spelling
achieved
archived
 40,000 subscribers the
Pop
Use synonyms
Parade
Use synonyms
 stood at 120,000 by
80,000
Correct article usage
an 80,000
show examples
 gap.
Then
Linking Words
,the number of viewers of the
Pop
Use synonyms
Parade
Use synonyms
 has dramatically
dicreased
Correct your spelling
decreased
 to just
bellow
Correct your spelling
below
show examples
 40,000,which is just higher than that of
thebMusic
Correct your spelling
the Music
Choice
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
then
Linking Words
 these both sites,the
Music
Use synonyms
Choice
Use synonyms
 and
Pop
Use synonyms
Parade
Use synonyms
 closely followed in the days of 7th to 9th and,the latter one inclined to approximately 150,000,
while
Linking Words
 the
foremer
Correct your spelling
former
 one fluctuated until
11th
Correct article usage
the 11th
show examples
day
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
even-though
Correct your spelling
even though
show examples
 the
Pop
Use synonyms
Parade
Use synonyms
dcreased
Correct your spelling
decreased
increased
 to 80,000 the other
vertual
Correct your spelling
virtual
 site
gaind
Correct your spelling
gained
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 increase to 120,000
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the 13th
day
Use synonyms
,despite its fluctuation between12th to 14th days.In comparison end of the 15th
Use synonyms
day
Add a comma
day,
show examples
 160,000 thousands of people visited the
Pop
Use synonyms
Parade
Use synonyms
 ,
whereas
Linking Words
 the
Music
Use synonyms
choice
Use synonyms
 was visited by nearly 80,000 bloggers.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words music, pop, parade, day, choice with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "compares" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "fluctuations" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Music sites
  • Web traffic
  • Number of visits
  • Trend analysis
  • Initial phase
  • Steady increase
  • Fluctuations
  • Significant change
  • Peaks
  • Turning point
  • Growth rate
  • Seasonal variation
  • Comparative analysis
  • Long-term trend
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