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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Today’s schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today, to what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#today’s #schools #students #world
People especially teenagers who go to
school
 should learn
to
Correct your spelling
two
show examples
 subjects
also
 they should learn how
survive
Add the particle
to survive
show examples
 in the world. We live in the World and here it's not easy
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 easily live. I think
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
initial
Correct article usage
the initial
show examples
 reason
of doesn'
Verb problem
for not
show examples
t
 learning
survive
Fix the infinitive
to survive
show examples
 Financially is
Government
Correct article usage
the Government
show examples
. İf Countries want
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
truly clever and hard-working people they should change their rules of
School
 or directly change their President
due to
 it's not
basic
Correct article usage
a basic
show examples
 matter
is's
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
 so severe for
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
 and
life
. Human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
 who
doesn'
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
show examples
t
 live and work
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are by and large suicide themselves as
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
 of the major reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
problem it's
Correct pronoun usage
problem's
show examples
poor
Correct article usage
a poor
show examples
life
 if you don'
t
 earn money individuals
doesn'
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
show examples
t
 respect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
you. As a human we would love to
respect
Wrong verb form
be respected
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 by
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 people
through
Change preposition
throughout
show examples
 our entire
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 so emotions
really
Add a missing verb
are really
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 important for
life
 because we have
heart
Fix the agreement mistake
hearts
show examples
thus
 we sense of heart every time
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
financial conditions
also
Add a missing verb
are also
show examples
 too substantial for
life
 because as I said if we don'
t
 have money we can'
t
 feel good or living that's why if we want to clever and logical
future
 we have to regulate our laws of
School
. Later on, we will see our sparkle
future
 we will be so beyond the border of
World
Correct article usage
the World
show examples
 and we will
be reach
Change the verb form
reach
show examples
another planets
Replace the adjective
another planet
other planets
show examples
.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 we can new
invention
Fix the agreement mistake
inventions
show examples
 in the
future
 if the laws of
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
changed
Wrong verb form
change
show examples
. As I mentioned,
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 system
carrying
Wrong verb form
carries
show examples
 valuable importance. Financially
resource
Fix the agreement mistake
resources
show examples
 and how I earn my money like things important and Our kids should know kind of
economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
stuffs
Change the wording
stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
show examples
.
Submitted by yaexar on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas. Currently, the progression of thoughts is confusing at times. Try to outline your key points and arrange them in a way that flows naturally from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction needs to more clearly outline your stance and what the essay will cover. Ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points.
task achievement
Support your arguments with specific examples. For example, provide instances of where financial education has benefited individuals or societies.
task achievement
Enhance clarity by avoiding overly complex sentence structures that can obscure the intended meaning.
task achievement
You bring up an important topic of discussion about financial literacy in education.
task achievement
Your essay highlights the link between financial knowledge and quality of life, an important connection.
task achievement
Recognizing the importance of emotional well-being and respect in the context of financial status is insightful.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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