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Band 3.5

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as foood, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #choices #matters #foood #clothes #entertainment #society #individuals #decisions
Allowing
children
 to make their personal decisions has become a vital topic of debate.
While
 some
individuals
 believe that
children
 should be free to
take
Correct your spelling
make
show examples
 their daily choices tasks
such
 as food and clothes, others would argue that
this
 trend can result in selfish
individuals
 in the future.
Although
 both sides of
argument
Correct article usage
the argument
show examples
hailitgted
Correct your spelling
have
 valid points which will be discussed followed by my personal view. First of all,
children
 need to
raise
Wrong verb form
be raised
show examples
 with high values, leading to
independant
Correct your spelling
independent
 adults.
In other words
, bringing up
children
 with good values not only
countributs
Correct your spelling
contributes
contribute
 to growing personalities but can
also
 lead to
overall
 well-being and confidence, So it is crucial to create
friendly
Add an article
a friendly
show examples
 environment
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 both homes and
sociaties
Correct your spelling
societies
 to raise
children
 and give them freedom toward their
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
daily
routin
Correct your spelling
routine
routing
 choices. As an example considering a little boy, who
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
 just 4 years old, if their parents encourage him to wear his favourite clothes and shoes, he will become
incrediebly
Correct your spelling
incredibly
independant
Correct your spelling
independent
gentelman
Correct your spelling
gentleman
gentlemen
 in the near
futuer
Correct your spelling
future
.
Moreover
, societies
need
Add the particle
need to
show examples
 equip
individuals
 from younger ages with satisfaction factors for making strong decisions in the future.
On the other hand
,some people believe that
this
 approach,
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
children
freedom
Add an article
the freedom
show examples
 to
choise
Correct your spelling
choose
 their personal necessities, can significantly lead to selfish adults.
Thus
, in the future, we might have many selfish
individuals
 who
likely
Add a missing verb
are likely
show examples
 to ignore helping and worrying about other pers. A prime illustration of his
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is a
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introduction conclusion present
Begin with a clearer introduction that presents the main points you will discuss. Ensure this introduction summarizes both views concisely.
complete response
Aim to provide a balanced discussion on both views, offering specific examples for each argument. Reference actual examples or case studies to support your points.
logical structure
Improve paragraphing to enhance coherence. Each paragraph should introduce a single idea or argument and explore it fully before moving on to the next.
introduction conclusion present
Conclude with a summary that restates your position and why you hold it, rather than leaving the essay unfinished.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay presents a clear viewpoint on both sides of the argument.
relevant specific examples
An example is provided, which shows an attempt to support the argument with practical scenarios.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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