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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

A rise in the use of mobile phones in the classroom by school children is severely impacting their concentration in class and overall education development. What are the causes of the problem and what can be done to solve it ?

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Nowadays,
children
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
 their mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 in the classroom, impacting their concentration and
overall
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 education. That problem can be because of several reasons,
such
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 as technology or they are addicted to it.
However
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, in
this
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 essay, I will discuss the causes of
this
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 issue and how to solve it. On the one hand, in our decades,
people
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 have started using their mobile
phones
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 everywhere, and social media and how it
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's brains, especially kids.
Thus
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 young
people
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 begin to
use
Use synonyms
 it in class. Another reason is that
people
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 are addicted to using their digital devices, and their
children
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 become like them.
For example
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, if parents are using their mobile
phones
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 all the
time
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, their
children
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 begin to
use
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 them everywhere and every
time
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, even in their class.
Therefore
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, it can affect their education and decrease their degree scores.
On the other hand
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, we can solve
this
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 issue in many ways. Schools can make a rule to prevent using their digital devices during classes, and if they
use
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 it, the director will take it.
For instance
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, when I was in high school, there was a rule to prevent taking our
phones
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 with us to school, and if anyone needed to bring them with her, they could put them with the director, and after the school day finished, they
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 take them. Personally, I believe
that is
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 the best way to make
children
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 focus more on their classes and spend
time
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 in the real world not just on their digital devices. In conclusion, mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 are important in our lives right now, but we can not spend all our
time
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 on
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
, especially
children
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 who need to build their personalities and meet friends in the real world,
also
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 they need to give more attention to their education for best future.

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task achievement
Ensure all reasons and solutions are explored in-depth with specific examples and detailed explanations.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a consistent and clear structure in each paragraph, ensuring topics are connected smoothly with cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, establishing context and summarizing the arguments.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both the causes and solutions to the problem, thus fulfilling the task requirements.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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