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Band 6

More and more people are using the internet to contact existing friends and even make new friends. Some people are of the opinion that this has strengthened relationships between existing friends, whilst others think the opposite is true. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #internet #contact #friends #relationships #whilst
It is true that the
Internet
 has become an essential method to contact others these days.
However
, I don'
t
 think it doesn'
t
 help
people
 to have strong
relationships
. Some
people
 would argue that there are some advantages of using the
Internet
 when we make new connections or talk to our existing
friends
. 
First,
people
 who are shy and feel lonely can easily find
someon
Correct your spelling
someone
 online.
This
 can be a great way for them to socialise.
Also
, there are many young
people
 who found good friendships and sometimes their partners as well.
Secondly
, they would say that when you are busy with work or when you live abroad, it is hard to see them in person. Social media can be very helpful in
such
 circumstances.
As a result
,
people
 might think they are still close to their
friends
.
On the other hand
, there are
people
 who disagree with it, saying that the
Internet
 doesn'
t
strength
Replace the word
strengthen
show examples
relationships
.
Furthermore
, they would argue that online contact is useless.
Instead
,
people
 should spend more time with their real
friends
.
For example
, we can often see the young who just send their
friends
 a couple of messages and nothing else. If they don'
t
 even see each other once a year and keep talking only through the
Internet
, is
this
 friendship worth it? What is the point of doing
this
then
? I agree with
this
 statement. Using the
Internet
 doesn'
t
 make
relationships
 better,
instead
Add a comma
instead,
show examples
 it can only help us to meet someone or keep
relationships
. When you have a very close friend, you don'
t
 need to worry about when to text, call or even
going
Wrong verb form
go
show examples
 through their Instagram or Facebook. In conclusion, I believe talking to our
friends
 in person, even though it is hard to see them, would bring more positive results to our friendships.
Submitted by dob.jeong on

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task achievement
Expand on the arguments for each perspective to strengthen the essay. Adding more examples for both viewpoints could enhance the depth and support for your main points.
coherence cohesion
Improve cohesion by ensuring logical transitions between ideas. For example, use linking phrases such as 'on the contrary,' 'in addition', or 'however' for smoother flow between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear, focused topic sentence that guides the reader through your arguments and supports your conclusion effectively.
task achievement
The essay successfully covers both sides of the issue, presenting a balanced view before offering a personal opinion in the concluding paragraph.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introductory paragraph and a strong conclusion that encapsulates your viewpoint.
task achievement
The use of real-world context, such as the example of young people who primarily contact friends online, helps to ground the argument in reality.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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