IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that arts (such as painting and music) do not directly improve the quality of people's life, so governments should spend money on other areas. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #arts #music #quality #life #governments #money #areas
Few
people
 argue that
arts
 like painting and music
do
Verb problem
are
show examples
 not really impactful for
people
's life to increase their quality as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
.
That is
 why the government should allocate money to other useful areas. In my point of view, it is not totally true because
people
 can get a better job by using their skills in
arts
 and
arts
 can be used as a way to charity. First
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
first,
there are a lot of famous painters and musicians in
this
 world.
In other words
,
people
 who have skills in
arts
, like drawing or painting, are really
demanding
Wrong verb form
demanded
show examples
 by the companies that
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 focused on
arts
. Not only that, but
also
 art workers can set a high price
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their work.
For example
,
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 digital illustrator who worked at Gojek will be paid as much as 15 million IDR.
Furthermore
, on the street, it is common for
musician
Fix the agreement mistake
musicians
show examples
 to collect money and
then
 give it to charity
organization
Fix the agreement mistake
organizations
show examples
. Especially, if the musician
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a good voice, there will be a lot of
people
 who are willing to donate. After that, the donation will be given
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 those who need it.
For instance
, Ari Lasso, a male singer in Indonesia, is actively donating by using profit from his music
concert
Fix the agreement mistake
concerts
show examples
.
To conclude
,
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a big impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
people
's quality
life
Change preposition
of life
show examples
. The reason
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
the
Correct determiner usage
that
show examples
musician
Fix the agreement mistake
musicians
show examples
 and
painter
Fix the agreement mistake
painters
show examples
 can get
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 salary because of their skills in
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
.
Besides
 that,
arts
 can be used to collect money and used by
people
 who need it.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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task achievement
Try to provide a more explicit thesis statement in the introduction to clearly define your stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to enhance the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
The essay effectively presents a clear standpoint and supports it with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph is focused on a single idea, which contributes positively to the overall coherence.

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