IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people believe that family has the strongest influence on a child’s development, while others believe that external factors such as television, friends and music play a big role. Discuss both views

#people #influence #child’s #development #factors #television #friends #music #role
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Many
people
 argue that
child's
Change the noun form
children
child
show examples
 are more influenced by their family,
while
 others believe that the influence
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 get from school, friends and television has more
impacted
Change the form of the verb
impact
show examples
 on their development. In
this
 essay, I will
exploring
Change the verb form
explore
be exploring
show examples
 both
view
Change to a plural noun
views
show examples
.  In a world
each
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 day more violent with loads of adults with mental health issues,
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
extremally
Rephrase
extremely
show examples
important to
talking
Wrong verb form
talk
show examples
 about
child's
Fix the agreement mistake
children's
show examples
 influence, and understand which references are going to
impacting
Change the verb
impact
show examples
 their lives.
Child's
Change noun form
Children
show examples
 have to be
children
,
Its
Correct your spelling
It's
show examples
 important
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
swaap
Correct your spelling
swap
swamp
this
 part of life in order to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not
reflected
Wrong verb form
reflect
show examples
negativily
Correct your spelling
negatively
negativity
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
child
's future. A
child
 of today
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 going to be the future adult of tomorrow. Many
people
 believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
early age
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 impacted by the examples of their family, and often we can see
people
compering
Correct your spelling
comparing
show examples
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 with
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
show examples
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, or that , girls
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
usually following
mothers
Change noun form
mothers'
mother's
show examples
 steps, and boys usually follow their fathers.
furthermore
,
Its
Correct your spelling
It's
show examples
 normal we
being influence
Change the verb form
being influenced
show examples
 by
people
 we admire and are
more close
Replace the words
closer
show examples
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
.
Moreover
 , in the
past
Add a comma
past,
show examples
 it was more common
parents
Change preposition
for parents
show examples
 to be
more close
Replace the words
closer
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the education of their
children
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and protect
their
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
againts
Correct your spelling
against
 bad choices in life.
While
nowaday
Correct your spelling
nowadays
show examples
 family are too busy with work. 
On the other hand
, with the growth of
tecnology
Correct your spelling
technology
, and the rushing of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life,
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
are having
Verb problem
have
show examples
 more
acess
Correct your spelling
access
 to external
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
,
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
televison
Correct your spelling
television
, youtube and
unfortunalety
Correct your spelling
unfortunately
 many parents do not have the essential time to spend with their
children
,
thus
 , in the modern lives
children
 are getting too exposed to teachings that they have more
acess
Correct your spelling
access
 to,
such
 as close friends too. In conclusion,
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
caractcher
Correct your spelling
character
 and personality are
determinated
Correct your spelling
determined
 by
exemples
Correct your spelling
examples
, It does not matter if are friends or families, The
reflect
Replace the word
reflection
show examples
 of their attitudes could affect
every body
Correct your spelling
everybody
show examples
 around,
therefore
, if we are
concerning
Wrong verb form
concerned
show examples
 about a better world to live
, its
Change preposition
in, its
show examples
 so important, before of thinking of have a
children
 to find out and make a responsable plan to their education, in order to grow a better human being.
Submitted by amandaoliveirastylist on

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relevant specific examples
Ensure that examples used in the essay are directly related to the main points being discussed. Currently, the examples provided are not entirely specific or detailed enough to thoroughly support the arguments.
logical structure
Improve logical flow by using linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Ensure coherence by structuring each paragraph with a clear main idea followed by supporting details.
complete response
The essay addresses both perspectives on the topic, fulfilling the requirement to discuss both views.
introduction conclusion present
The essay features a clear introduction and conclusion, which help structure the argument overall.
clear comprehensive ideas
There is a genuine attempt to address the complexities of the topic and provide a comprehensive overview.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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