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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people argue that in order to improve educational quality, high school students should be encouraged to question and offer criticisms to their teachers. Other think this will lead to a loss of respect discipline in the classroom. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

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People are divided as to whether school
students
Use synonyms
 should be allowed to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in
performance
Correct article usage
the performance
show examples
 of
teachers
Use synonyms
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to enhance
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 system or not. In my mind, were
this
Linking Words
 method to be carried out, it would be
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 approach in many significant ways.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, those who disagree
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
with this
show examples
 idea believe that there are several negative sites.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it can lead to
reduction
Add an article
a reduction
the reduction
show examples
 of respect for
teachers
Use synonyms
. Tutors are considered as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 for adults and so
Inturapting
Correct your spelling
Interrupting
 them with extra questions influences
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their authority.
Secondly
Linking Words
, various chaos
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
arised
Correct your spelling
arisen
show examples
 by
Add an article
the crisis
a crisis
show examples
crisis
Fix the agreement mistake
crises
show examples
 in the class.
For example
Linking Words
, one student wants to judge
over
Change preposition
apply
show examples
him
Correct pronoun usage
his
show examples
 teacher's work, another one finds other mistakes.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
Add an article
the teacher
a teacher
show examples
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
 can not manage them in discussing and children receive
wrong
Change the article
the wrong
show examples
 message that
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 tutor
has
Verb problem
does
show examples
 not knowledge much more in comparison to themselves. Having said that, I think that
this
Linking Words
 approach has some benefits
to develop
Change preposition
in developing
show examples
students
Use synonyms
' skills. On the one hand, allowing pupils to judge their
teachers
Use synonyms
 creates
opportunity
Add an article
an opportunity
the opportunity
show examples
 to talk their opinions directly and enrich
relationship
Add an article
the relationship
show examples
 between them.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
students
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 and
teachers
Use synonyms
 can determine their strong and weak points through criticism, inspiring them to be always in
process
Correct article usage
the process
show examples
.
Thus
Linking Words
, it does not only help
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 but it can bring many benefits for
teachers
Use synonyms
. Regarding
critic
Replace the word
critical
show examples
 skills, encouraging children to
give
Verb problem
ask
show examples
 questions and
critism
Correct your spelling
criticism
persuades them
ideate
Add the particle
to ideate
show examples
 independently and evolve their
critic
Replace the word
critical
show examples
 procedure.
As a result
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 can understand deeply and
learn
Add the particle
learn to
show examples
 prove their views. In conclusion, many individuals reckon that inspiring
students
Use synonyms
 to give feedback and judge their
teachers
Use synonyms
 causes some issues related
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
 status
while
Linking Words
 I am of the opinion it can be
valuable
Add an article
a valuable
show examples
 way
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 boosting
childrens'
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 personal achievement.

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logical structure
Ensure that all ideas are fully developed and clearly linked. Some parts of the essay are slightly repetitive or could be more logically organized for greater clarity.
introduction conclusion present
Improve coherence by using linking words effectively, ensuring sentences connect seamlessly. At times, the essay lacks smooth transitions between ideas.
supported main points
While the essay includes a conclusion, ensure that it effectively synthesizes the discussion, reiterating key points in a compelling manner.
relevant specific examples
Focus on providing more specific examples to support your points. Examples in the essay are somewhat generalized and could be more detailed to strengthen arguments.
complete response
Develop points more fully to achieve a complete response. Some arguments could be expanded to provide a deeper insight into the topic.
clear comprehensive ideas
Work on making ideas clearer and more comprehensive. At times, ideas are presented in a way that might not fully convey the intended meaning.
task achievement
The essay shows a good attempt to cover both views, providing a balanced discussion on the given topic.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and conclusion, which frame the essay well, signifying a good overall structure.
coherence cohesion
The effort to discuss benefits and drawbacks reflects a good understanding of the essay prompt.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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