IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Write about the following topic: The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

#topic #percentage #children #society #ten #years #effects #trend
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Nowadays the
overall
 obesity rate among children in the Western Hemisphere witnessed a surge of 20% in the
last
 ten years.
This
 disturbing trend is primarily caused by the spread of fast food restaurants, which results in an increased chance of heart and other types of diseases.
This
 essay examines the reasons why
this
 problem is caused and the outcomes it leads to and presents my opinion. One of the main causes of
this
 disastrous novelty is the increase in the number of fast-food restaurants. These establishments have made unhealthy food more accessible, particularly to younger generations, and in many cases, parents may be unable to monitor their children's diets effectively.
As a result
, children are consuming excessive amounts of sugar, fats, and sodium, which significantly contribute to weight gain and obesity. The terrifying consequence is the fact that it can lead to increased heart disease rates among youth, which even sounds frightening, should be prevented and lowered as fast as possible. These health risks are not just a matter of individual health but a broader societal concern, as they place a strain on healthcare systems and the economy.
Therefore
, it is crucial to prevent and reduce
this
 trend as quickly as possible. In conclusion, regardless of the reasons for
this
 trend, I am a firm believer that it is the most vital current task that has to be reduced and prohibited at the legislative level. If we do not tend to do anything, society will not be able to cope with the consequences, and
that is
 exactly why I think that
this
 novelty is essential to avoid.
Submitted by shermadovs on

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relevant specific examples
Enhance the use of specific examples to support your points. Such specific examples can illustrate the effects of the problem more vividly and strengthen your argument.
logical structure
The essay would benefit from a clearer topic sentence at the beginning of the body paragraph to outline the main points to be discussed.
complete response
Consider expanding the discussion of the effects to include social and emotional consequences, adding depth to the task response.
introduction conclusion present
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively restate the main points and the author's opinion.
complete response
The essay addresses the task question directly and provides a logical progression of ideas from causes to effects.
supported main points
Main points are generally supported, and there is a clear attempt to develop the discussion around causes and effects.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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