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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people today are worried about cyber crime such as hacking and identity theft. What problems does cyber crime cause andd what solutions can you suggest for ordinary people and business to take?

#people #cyber #crime #identity #theft #andd #business
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It is true that
cyber
Correct your spelling
cybercrime
show examples
crime
 has become a
contriversial
Correct your spelling
controversial
 issue these days. I want to write about an example that cyber
crime
 can cause when it happens to kids and I believe there are solutions to tackle
this
 problem. First of all, we need to consider when they are targeting young
people
, especially teenagers.
For example
, let's imagine there is a kid, whose phone was hacked. Criminals know his secret and they are blackmailing him. Because he wants to hide that information from others, he won'
t
 tell anyone that he is in danger, not even his parents. Adults can usually handle
this
 kind of
problems
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
show examples
 better. They might go to the police office or might get help from their friends. But, unfortunately, children wouldn'
t
 be able to tell if it's a
crime
 or not.
As a result
, even worse things can happen
such
 as suicide or depression. Once our information is hacked, I don'
t
 think there are many things we can do as individuals.
However
,
people
 should think before they decide to do something. If someone is asking for a huge amount of money saying that they have your son. They shouldn'
t
 withdraw money and send it straight away. They have to call the police or get help from
people
 around them.
Furthermore
, in terms of business actions, companies should take
this
crime
 way more seriously. Usually, identity thieves target big companies
instead
 of normal
people
.
Therefore
, they have to put more budget
on
Change preposition
into
show examples
this
 area, hiring more
people
 or buying a secure programme. In conclusion, I think online
crime
 is hard not to happen in
this
 modern world. Both companies and individuals should make an effort to prevent
this
crime
.
Submitted by dob.jeong on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and provides relevant examples, but try to cover two aspects of the issue more broadly, i.e., not only the impact on individuals but also implications for businesses.
task achievement
Ensure all points in your essay are well-supported with evidence and clear reasoning to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay flows well from one point to the next, but transitions between ideas can be smoother.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all paragraphs are clearly and logically linked with appropriate linking words or phrases.
coherence cohesion
You successfully introduce the topic and conclude with your perspective, maintaining a consistent focus throughout.
task achievement
Your specific example of the consequences of cybercrime on children adds relevance and depth to your response.
coherence cohesion
The essay mostly maintains a logical flow, with a coherent structure from introduction to conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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