IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowsadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. This has negative effects on themselves and the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

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Introduction
Recently, the youth spend plenty of spare
time
Use synonyms
 in shopping facilities, which has negative impacts both on them and the community. Personally, I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 perspective.
Body · 1
Indeed, teenagers might spend excessive
time
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 shopping when they are free, which could cause a distraction from their academic performance or other important life
skills
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 they are learning.
Moreover
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, it is possible that they become fans of consumerism and start looking for debt, which may cause a financial crisis before they start to earn incomes.
For example
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,
instead
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 of staying focused on studying knowledge and
skills
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, if a high-schooler pays too much attention to different types of luxury items on the market, their values might be changed,
as well as
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 their life goals. The consumerist value could eventually drive him to break laws to pursue a luxury lifestyle.
Body · 2
However
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,
on the other hand
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, shopping can be relaxing and unwind, which should not be completely banned for these young pupils.
This
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 is because being a consumer could be beneficial by learning things which have not taught in schools, which is a critical education opportunity for the next generation to learn the principles of the economy.
For example
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, many billionaires had figured out their chance to open a business in their young age. To start, they used their free
time
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 wisely to find a way to be rich and successful. Meanwhile, their success stories could inspire young students in order to pursue their dreams.
Conclusion
In conclusion, young people should be encouraged to use their free
time
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 wisely for learning new knowledge or
skills
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, but it is
also
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 vital to keep their lives happy and enjoyable by shopping occasionally. If
skills
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 can be learned, it would be more favourable for both of them and the community.

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task response
Make your main view more clear in each body part. You say you strongly disagree, but one body part gives many bad points, so your full view is not always easy to follow.
task response
Answer the question more directly all the way through. Explain more clearly why the bad effects are not strong enough to support the statement.
task response
Use examples that fit the topic in a more direct way. The part about billionaires is too far from young people spending time in malls.
coherence and cohesion
Build each body part around one clear main idea. Then add support that links back to that idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is good, but a few ideas do not flow well. For example, moving from shopping for fun to learning economy needs a smoother link.
coherence and cohesion
Check word forms and sentence patterns because small errors sometimes make the meaning less clear.
task response
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and keep a clear ending.
task response
You discuss both sides of the topic, so the essay feels complete.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic structure: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use simple linking words like 'Moreover', 'However', and 'In conclusion' to guide the reader.
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