IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Children today find it’s difficult to concentrate or pay attention in schools. Why do you think causes this problem? What do we need to do to solve this problem?

#children #it’s #attention #schools
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It is often thought that
students
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 are lacking of concentration and attention
for
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to
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 studies in School. In my
opinon
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opinion
, I think that there are various reasons for creating
this
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 issue and will discuss how to mitigate the problems.
Firstly
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, the
students
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 are unable to concentrate
in
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on
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 their
lessions
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lessons
 because of a few reasons. One reason
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that
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apply
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is that
students
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 are addicted to social
media
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 or computer games. They are so busy with engaging
those
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in those
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 activities and do not have enough time for studies.
Further
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, they do have concrete goals to achieve in future because they think that
the
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apply
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education is not important or they can get a job easily. As an
example
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example,
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 young kids
has
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have
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 plan to become
a
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apply
show examples
social
influencer
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influencers
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 on social
media
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 by creating
contents
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content
show examples
 on
youtube
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YouTube
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 or
facebook
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Facebook
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 and plan to earn money from it. Most
of
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apply
show examples
the
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apply
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adolescent
students
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 blindly believe
this
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 concept so they feel that they do not want to engage effectively in
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a class
the class
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class room
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classroom
show examples
 or
completing home
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complete
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works
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work
show examples
. To mitigate these issues, the parents have more
resposibilities
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responsibilities
 to advise their
childrents
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children
children's
. They can show the reality
in
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on
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ground
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the ground
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 regarding earning concerns from social
media
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. The income from social
media
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 is not enough for
comfortable
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a comfortable
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life style
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lifestyle
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 and parents should create an
oppertunity
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opportunity
 for kids to understand the bitter reality.
Further
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, the teachers have another role to play in
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students
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students'
student's
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 lives. They can educate
students
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 to focus more on
studies
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their studies
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 rather than other distractions. In conclusion,
the
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apply
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students
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 have more distractions in their study life and those distractions cause them to give enough attention and
concentrations
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concentration
show examples
 but the parents and
teachechers
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teachers
 can help them to get
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
 direction.
Submitted by surangaprasad90 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance your essay, consider organizing your thoughts into clearer paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, creating a more seamless flow of ideas. Each paragraph should focus on a distinct point related to the topic.
Task Achievement
While your essay mentioned key points such as social media distractions and lack of clear goals among students, enriching these arguments with more specific examples could strengthen your response. Be sure to delve deeper into each cause and potential solution discussed.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are quite strong, providing a clear start and a summarizing end to your essay. Ensure that these sections clearly encapsulate the main points discussed without introducing new ideas in the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay shows a strong introduction and conclusion, which frame your arguments well.
Task Achievement
You recognize multiple reasons for the issue and discuss plausible solutions, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Attention span: The amount of time someone is able to concentrate on a task without becoming distracted.
  • Distractions: Things that prevent someone from giving full attention to something else.
  • Digital technology: Electronic devices and applications that facilitate communication and entertainment, e.g., smartphones, tablets, social media.
  • Engagement: The level of interest or involvement a student exhibits towards their learning and school activities.
  • Learning environment: The physical or psychological conditions in which learning takes place, which can affect students' ability to concentrate.
  • Stress: A state of mental or emotional strain resulting from challenging or demanding circumstances.
  • Academic pressure: The stress or anxiety related to schoolwork, grades, and performance.
  • Extracurricular activities: Non-academic activities that are part of school life, such as sports, clubs, or music, which can also affect students' stress levels.
  • Physical activity: Exercise and movement, important for maintaining health and improving concentration.
  • Time management: The ability to use one's time effectively or productively, especially for schoolwork.
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