IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

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The proportion of obese
children
Use synonyms
 in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 nations has grown by approximately 20% since ten years ago.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
 reasons and possible outcomes of
this
Linking Words
 trend. The main reason for the increase of
children
Use synonyms
 with obesity is that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
outdoor activities
such
Linking Words
 as trekking and jogging,
riding
Correct word choice
and riding
show examples
 bicycles are losing
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 popularity. Since online platforms and graphics have been developed significantly,
children
Use synonyms
's
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
 have
shift
Wrong verb form
shifted
show examples
 from outside
leisures
Fix the agreement mistake
leisure
show examples
 to some indoor hobbies,
for instance
Linking Words
, computer games,
videos
Correct word choice
and videos
show examples
 which
requires
Correct subject-verb agreement
require
show examples
 less
excersise
Correct your spelling
exercise
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 now don't have many opportunities to burn
calories
Correct article usage
the calories
show examples
 they get from their diet. Another clear factor is the improvement of food security which
attributes
Wrong verb form
is attributed
show examples
 to the development
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
distributional
Add an article
the distributional
show examples
 industry. Now that food factories can get ingredients produced from all over the world
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a
cheeper
Correct your spelling
cheaper
 price, some groceries have become considerably affordable even to
children
Use synonyms
.
Hence
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can easily buy
junk-foods
Correct your spelling
junk foods
show examples
 and snacks which contain a lot of sugar and fat that lead to
over-wheight
Correct your spelling
over-weight
. A possible
mojor
Correct your spelling
major
 effect
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the rise of
children
Use synonyms
 who are not in shape is the damage
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 self-confidence across
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation.
Children
Use synonyms
 who gain weight will certainly experience a sort of change in their
apperance
Correct your spelling
appearance
, and some might be depressed
for example
Linking Words
 by noticing that clothes they used to wear don't fit them anymore. What is worse is that the
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy is likely to become shorter because obesity often triggers other serious health issues,
such
Linking Words
 as cardio diseases,
highpressure
Correct your spelling
high pressure
high-pressure
 or a blood clot which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 it hard for them to live a long
life
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is clear from the fact that Asian countries
such
Linking Words
Linking Words
such
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
as Japan and Korea have a longer
averagely
Change the word
average
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 compared to
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
country
Change the noun form
countries
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as the USA or Canada. In conclusion, outdoor sports becoming less popular could be one reason for
overweight
Correct article usage
the overweight
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 growing its percentage in
Add an article
the western
show examples
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, those nations might suffer from the young feeling less confident and a shorter
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy.

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task achievement
Consider providing more examples and elaborating on your points with specific evidence or anecdotes. For instance, discuss a specific example of a child you know or read about who suffered due to reduced outdoor activities.
task achievement
Ensure all points are fully developed, and evidence or illustrations are used to reinforce arguments.
coherence cohesion
Minor grammar issues are present, such as "over-wheight" instead of "overweight" and "mojor" instead of "major." Consider proofreading to correct these errors.
coherence cohesion
Vary sentence structures to improve the flow and maintain the reader's interest.
task achievement
The essay presents clear ideas and addresses both causes and effects of childhood obesity, demonstrating a good understanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure with appropriate division into paragraphs is evident, helping the reader follow your argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
The topic remains focused and the main ideas are supported with some examples, enhancing the essay's clarity.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
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