IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the government should provide free and universal health care for all citizens. Others think that health care is a personal responsibility and people should pay for their own medical expenses. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that health care facilities should be free for the public,
while
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 others claim that, one should pay his own bills as it is their own responsibility. In my opinion, higher authorities should provide free healthcare to all the citizens, because
this
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 will eliminate the discrimination between the elite and the lower classes. The explanation, the
later
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latter
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people
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 give is, that the governments should spend more on the economic sector rather than on healthcare, as economic growth is extremely essential for the country. On the one hand,
people
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 think that by providing free health care, lawmakers can help in the eradication of the class factor of
the
Correct article usage
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society. As, those who belong to the elite class can easily afford medical
treatment
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, even for rare diseases,
while
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, the poor class cannot afford expensive
treatment
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 and they feel helpless.
Moreover
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, most of the poor public suffer from certain deadly conditions because they even lack the basic nutrition needed to build strong immunity against diseases.
For instance
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, a study was conducted in Pakistan in the year 2012, in which the mortality rates of the
people
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 who were affected by fungal infection were compared, and the results showed equal mortality among the poor and the elite classes in certain regions, where the
treatment
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 was free and saw more deaths of poor
people
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 in the private hospitals.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 think that the governments should spend more on the economic sector as compared to health care
,
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 because economic growth is vital for the whole country and
this
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 can help
people
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in
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lowering the cost of medical treatments,
as well as
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this
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 can provide them with the financial stability and they can afford whatever
treatment
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 they need. To illustrate, the UK government has spent more resources on the development of their economy and now most of the public has good jobs and are well paid, so they can afford their medical bills without any support.
To conclude
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, both views have their advantages ,
however
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, I personally believe that healthcare facilities should be neutral and free of cost for the nationals
,
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 because being medically fit or disease-free is the basic right of every individual in the state.

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coherence cohesion
While your essay covers both sides of the argument and provides an introduction and conclusion, ensure that your transitions between points are more seamless. This can enhance the logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
Consider expanding on the counter-arguments and refuting them in more detail to strengthen your position. This will showcase a deeper engagement with the topic.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph builds on the previous one. Transition words can help maintain the flow and clarity.
task achievement
You've managed to cover all aspects of the task question, discussing both views and providing your own opinion. Good job on task achievement!
coherence cohesion
Your essay opens with a clear introduction and wraps up with a succinct conclusion. This helps in maintaining the reader's understanding and clarity throughout the essay.
task achievement
Including the study example from Pakistan aids in adding specific, relevant details to support your arguments. Well-done!
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