IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are advantages and disadvantages of giving children this messages?

#cultures #children #messages
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It’s a common practice in some cultures to give a message to children that if they try hard enough they are able to accomplish any goal.
While
Linking Words
 it’s true that
this
Linking Words
 psychology has positive aspects, it
also
Linking Words
 has some downsides, that should be considered as well. A clear merit is that the approach results in perseverance and resilience of young individuals, as they believe
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hard work is a key to achieving their
goal
Fix the agreement mistake
goals
show examples
.
For instance
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,
student
Correct article usage
a student
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 dreaming of attending med-college and becoming a successful surgeon, won’t just dream about getting an acceptance from the college, but will act – do whatever is needed to get the desired acceptance. Another benefit that comes with it is the confidence that children gain as they
are believing
Wrong verb form
believe
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 their ambitions are achievable and
only
Correct article usage
the only
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 ingredient needed is hours of work. The same student, who wants to build a career in medicine now is confident that hours of studying,
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
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, revisions of study materials, making mistakes and not giving up, but working on them will pay off.
However
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, the drawbacks of that approach should not be overlooked – setting unrealistic goals may cause disappointment, as in the case of another young ambitious individual
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 dreams about becoming a great basketball player of all times and
be
Wrong verb form
being
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 a part of
professional
Correct article usage
a professional
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 basketball league,
however
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, whose height and the health conditions, actually, are not perfectly appropriate to achieving
this
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 goal, as much taller players have a competitive advantage and are able to dominate the game. Making children
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
believe that if they try hard enough they will achieve anything gives them direction to act and builds
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
confidence,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
as long as their goal is realistic.
Submitted by khudiyeva17 on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance logical structure, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Linking phrases and clearer transitions between ideas will improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
To fully support your main points, you might want to include more specific examples or evidence. This would help clarify and strengthen your argument.
task achievement
While your response is thorough, ensuring every point is clearly related to the specific task (advantages and disadvantages) will strengthen it.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear and comprehensive response to the task. You cover both the advantages and disadvantages effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for your discussion, and your conclusion neatly summarizes your points.
task achievement
Relevant and specific examples, like the medical student and the aspiring basketball player, enhance the clarity and relevance of your main ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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