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Band 5

Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree? #people #idea

#people #idea #work
In
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the contemprary
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contemprary
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contemporary
 era,
work
 has become
integral
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an integral
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 part of life for
society
, not only just because of the need
of
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for
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 money it
just
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is just
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realtion
Correct article usage
a realtion
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 that they
maked
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make
 with their
proffesions
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professions
profession
,
due to
this
 aspect some
people
claims
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claim
show examples
 that older
people
 should keep working if they are able to do so. yes ,without a doubt
i
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I
show examples
 totally agree as they
brings
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bring
show examples
 experience and
culture
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cultural
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 values which
gives
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give
show examples
 growth to both
society
 and companies. There are some benefits that should not be overlooked which are associated with
working
Add an article
the working
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 of
old
Add an article
the old
an old
show examples
 aged group on companies growths. In order to grow rapidly and safely there are need
of
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for
show examples
people
 who can bring
the
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their
show examples
 experience to the table so that goals can be achieved effectively .
For instance
, if
people
 from
old
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the old
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 age group stop working
at
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in
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 their old age , there will be no one to teach and motivate younger
colleages
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colleagues
with their
work
 assignments
thus
this
 will lead to more mistakes
while
 doing
work
 which will not only
effect
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affect
show examples
 the companies but
also
 to
youngesters
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youngsters
 confidence.
Although
 working
by
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with
show examples
aged
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an aged
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 group of
people
 helps
to
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apply
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society
 and
company
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the company
show examples
but
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apply
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there are some aspects that can not be ignored which are needed keep in mind
while
 allowing the
work
 to them. Are they comfortable with the duties ? or they are doing
work
 forcefully.
This
mean
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means
show examples
 employer should take care of their interest and health
while
assiging
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assessing
 the
work
 so that they can utilise well their experience .
For example
, if they are not willing to do
work
 that
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is
show examples
are assign
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are assigned
show examples
 to them or
not
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are not
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intrested
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interested
, just doing
because
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it because
show examples
 of
need
Add an article
the need
show examples
of
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for
show examples
 money ,
then
 it would be just
waste
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a waste
show examples
 of
talent
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the talent
show examples
 and skill of that worker. In
conlusion
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conclusion
, yes , allowing
work
 to old age gives benefits to both organisations and
society
 in the form of growth and motivation given by them to youngsters ,
however
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however,
show examples
whille
Correct your spelling
while
will
assign
Wrong verb form
assigning
show examples
 the
work
 employer should take care of the field of
intrest
Correct your spelling
interest
they want to choose to
work
.
Submitted by amarbatth367 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay offers a clear introduction and conclusion, but the logical flow between paragraphs can be improved for better coherence. Consider using transition words to connect ideas more smoothly between sections.
task achievement
While the essay addresses the prompt and presents a viewpoint, expanding on your points and providing more detailed examples would enhance your Task Response. Try to include more specific details that support your main arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, clearly stating the writer's stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion successfully summarizes the main points and reinforces the main argument in a concise manner.
task achievement
The essay reflects on both benefits and considerations of older people working, which shows an attempt to balance the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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