IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that exercise is the key to health while others feel that having a balanced diet is more important Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#people #exercise #health #diet
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Most
people
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 assume that doing exercise is beneficial for
health
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,
however
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, others argue that a balanced
diet
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 is very crucial. In my opinion, both ways are more important to be healthy and in
this
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 essay, I will discuss reasons with examples.
Exercises
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 are very important in every human life. By doing
exercises
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 we realise different negative substances in our body,
besides
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, daily
exercises
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 improve our blood circulation.
Furthermore
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, they help us to diminish breathing problems like asthma.
For example
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,
people
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 who go jogging might face fewer breathing problems
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
such
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.
People
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 who are involved in jogging might have fewer problems with their
health
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.
Also
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, the researches show that 70 per cent of the
people
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 who do daily activities have good Harmon distribution and face fewer
health
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 issues.
That is
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 the reason why most
people
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 think about the importance of exercise.
According to
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 other
people
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's thoughts balanced
diet
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 is very needed to be healthy. The first reason is that a person who is obeyed the strict
diet
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 might have less expectancy of obesity and other illnesses related to heavyweight.
Apart from
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this
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 because of many vitamins and nutrients balanced
diet
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 helps us to improve our immune system and fight against diseases.
Moreover
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, eating without any restrictions might release several very bad illnesses like heart attack or obesity. Because of
this
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 reasons that group of
people
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 think balanced foods are important. In conclusion.
Although
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,
though
Correct word choice
although
show examples
 most
people
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 think doing
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exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 is more important for
health
Use synonyms
 by boosting breathing and blood circulation, I think a balanced
diet
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 has the same importance as exercise because of its more vitamins and prevention
Change preposition
of
show examples
bad diseases.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Work on developing clearer and more comprehensive ideas. Try to structure your arguments so they have a clear beginning, middle, and end, and ensure each argument is fully explained to avoid ambiguity.
task achievement
Enhance the use of specific examples to support your points. Providing specific examples can significantly strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by ensuring each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next to create a more cohesive flow throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, providing a clear framework for your discussion.
task achievement
You provided a complete response to the task by discussing both sides of the argument and giving your opinion.
task achievement
Good attempt at forming a balanced view by acknowledging the importance of both exercise and a balanced diet.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cardiovascular health
  • Metabolism
  • Chronic diseases
  • Immune system
  • Mental well-being
  • Nutrients
  • Malnutrition
  • Obesity
  • Type 2 diabetes
  • Circulation
  • Nutrient distribution
  • Preventive health
  • Energy levels
  • Balanced diet
  • Essential nutrients
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