All over the world, the number of overweight people is growing. What do you feel are the main causes of this ? What are the effect ?
Despite knowing about the effects of an unhealthy lifestyle and excessive food
consumption
, but
Correct word choice
apply
people
still do them every day, so that the number of overweight people
is growing.
The two main causes of the increase of
overweight Change preposition
in
people
are unhealthy lifestyles
and unhealthy consumptions
. They can slowly destroy the body organs of Fix the agreement mistake
consumption
human
with bad fats.
Human Fix the agreement mistake
humans
activities
every day are very diverse. These activities
create unhealthy lifestyles
, such
as instant foods
Change the noun form
food
consumption
, sugary beverages
Change the noun form
beverage
consumption
, less physic
Replace the word
physical
activities
, and the lack of nutritional education too
. Rephrase
apply
For instance
, people
order fast foods
and sugary beverages from online applications to their places. These easy habbits
of Correct your spelling
habits
people
make less phyisic
Correct your spelling
physical
physic
activities
in their daily routines. Because of that, the number of people
overweight is growing. On the other hand
, people
have the
lack of nutritional education leading to poor dietary Correct article usage
a
choose
and prioritization of taste over Replace the word
choices
health
. So, the
economic factors make Correct article usage
apply
unheathy
food options more affordable compared Correct your spelling
unhealthy
healthy
nutritious
alternatives.
Change preposition
to nutritious
The unhealthy
Correct article usage
Unhealthy
lifestyles
can cause various diseases that originate from obesity
, such
as heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, etc. Obesity
can lead to psychological issues like depression and low self-esteem, impacting individuals' mental health
. The mental
Correct article usage
Mental
health
problem
can be affected Fix the agreement mistake
problems
to
economic impacts Change preposition
by
include
loss of productivity in workplaces Wrong verb form
including
due to
health
complications among employees too
.
Some possible solutions to Rephrase
apply
this
problem are changing people
's mindsets and making people
aware of the dangers of obesity
. People
have to change their unhealthy lifestyles
to healthy lifestyles
, such
as decreasing instant foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
consumption
to be increasing
healthy Wrong verb form
increase
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
consumption
, more physic
Replace the word
physical
activities
in daily routines, and make
Wrong verb form
making
sport
Add an article
the sport
as
a necessity of life. Change preposition
apply
Moreover
, people
have to increase their knowledges
about healthy Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
nutritional
and Replace the word
nutrition
choice
the right diet. Even healthy Replace the word
choose
nutritional
can obtained at a low price so that it can be consumed by poor economic. Replace the word
nutrition
By
these ways, Change preposition
In
people
can maintain their body health
and avoid various deases
that originate from overweight or Correct your spelling
diseases
obesity
. On the other hand
, the mental health
problem which
caused by Correct pronoun usage
apply
obesity
can be avoided among employees too.
In conclusion, the number of overweight people
can decrease by changing people
's uhealthy
mindsets and Correct your spelling
unhealthy
healthy
uhealthy
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
healthy
lifestyles
become
healthy mindsets and healthy Fix the infinitive
to become
lifestyles
. However
, health
is a long-term investment for humans. Without a healthy body, life is nothing.Submitted by imeldarosari6 on
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task achievement
Try to support your arguments with more specific examples or statistical data to enhance credibility.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay is logically structured, ensure that transitions between ideas are smoother to improve the overall flow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the topic and sets the stage for discussion, and the conclusion effectively summarizes your points.
task achievement
The essay addresses all parts of the task with a clear understanding of the causes and effects of obesity.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example