IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education.To what extent do you agree?

#government #budget #arts #money #education
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A sizable share of citizens say that governments should allocate less money to the arts and spend more on the educational sector.
While
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 I understand that
education
Use synonyms
 should be founded at a proper level, I do not believe that arts might be neglected. Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that governments should reduce expenditure on arts and increase the amount of money spent on
education
Use synonyms
 because it can provide societies their high development in the future. They say that well-educated
people
Use synonyms
 are part and parcel of strong economies, as they are able to pay high taxes from their revenue.
As a result
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, local budgets can be enlarged significantly which, in turn, is beneficial for the development of industrial countries.
However
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, many gifted young
people
Use synonyms
 have financial problems which prevent them from studying at universities and becoming professional workers.
For example
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, students who have a good head for science and are extremely successful at school have to work as labourers because of the hardships which their families are facing.
That is
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 why governments have to fund the
education
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 of these children.
However
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, I do not take
this
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 view as many art workers, who account for a significant proportion of the population, can lose their jobs. If they are not supported by the local authorities, they will not be able to present their creations to publicity, which might result in the reduction of their popularity and the absence of
people
Use synonyms
 enjoying them. Without funding, artists,
for instance
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, will not be able to organize any exhibition, and nobody will pay attention to their pictures
Consequently
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, creative individuals will not be rewarded for their hard work and will not be able to pursue their careers. In conclusion,
although
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 I understand that high-level
education
Use synonyms
 has a crucial role in the development of all countries, I am absolutely convinced that the art industry should get what is needed for its progress in order to provide workplaces for artists.
Submitted by halynasmyk953 on

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task achievement
Make sure to provide more specific examples to back up your arguments. While your points are clear, specific examples can strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the transition between paragraphs is smoother. This can help enhance the flow of your essay's argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly sets the stage for the essay, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your arguments.
task achievement
You've addressed both sides of the argument, which shows a complete response to the essay question.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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