IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Bullying is a big problem in many schools. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

#schools
Nowadays, numerous educational
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
faces
Change the verb form
face
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
several problems.
It is clear that
 bullying is one of the big
issue
Change to a plural noun
issues
show examples
 in the
school
.
This
 essay will provide my opinion
why
Change preposition
on why
show examples
this
 problem
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
occurred and
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 solutions to avoid bully at
school
. There
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
might be a lot of causes doing
such
 bad things. First of all and main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 bullying is
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 upbringing. Especially,
children
 who
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 not enough influence from
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
, become one of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bullier
Correct your spelling
bullies
show examples
 in society.
Furthermore
, the lack of attention might contribute.
In
particular
Add a comma
particular,
show examples
 students who
has
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not enough attention might do bad things to take their place at
school
. And
such
 action turns into bullying. To tackle these issues,
parents
 need to teach their
children
 to be good members of society.
This
 solution is effective because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
Parents
 influence their
children
 more than anyone else.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that mothers and fathers are the ones who raise and spend most of the time with their
children
 which dramatically influences the way
children
 act and think. If
parents
 act in a good manner, their
children
 will indirectly imitate them.
For example
, a study in Britain showed that
children
 are two times more influenced by their
parents
 than their teachers.
However
, I believe that
this
 is not enough and that
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 should represent meetings with each individual and help them with their
proplems
Correct your spelling
problems
. In conclusion, bullying causes significant social and educational issues. In my opinion,
parents
 are the best solution to tackle
this
 problem.
Submitted by erkasiet2008 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples or statistics to support your points about the causes and solutions of bullying.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly connects to the next for improved coherence.
coherence cohesion
Spend a little more time organizing your arguments so they flow more logically and cohesively.
task achievement
The essay directly addresses the causes of bullying and suggests solutions, which is central to the task's requirements.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion clearly frame the essay, providing a clear starting and ending point for the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Ideas are presented logically, with connections made between bad upbringing, lack of attention, and bullying.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Bullying
  • Harassment
  • Intimidation
  • Diversity
  • Adolescent
  • Mimic
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Cyberbullying
  • Peer pressure
  • Social acceptance
  • Awareness
  • Conflict resolution
  • Peer mediation
  • Consequences
  • Respect
  • Kindness
  • Open communication
  • Vulnerable
  • Buddy system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: