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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Bullying is a big problem in many schools. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

#schools
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Nowadays, numerous educational
centers
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centres
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faces
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face
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with
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apply
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several problems.
It is clear that
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 bullying is one of the big
issue
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issues
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 in the
school
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.
This
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 essay will provide my opinion
why
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on why
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this
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 problem
is
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apply
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occurred and
best
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the best
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 solutions to avoid bully at
school
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. There
are
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apply
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might be a lot of causes doing
such
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 bad things. First of all and main reason
of
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for
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 bullying is
bad
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a bad
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 upbringing. Especially,
children
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 who
has
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have
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 not enough influence from
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parents
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their parents
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, become one of
the
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apply
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bullier
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bullies
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 in society.
Furthermore
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, the lack of attention might contribute.
In
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particular
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particular,
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 students who
has
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do
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 not enough attention might do bad things to take their place at
school
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. And
such
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 action turns into bullying. To tackle these issues,
parents
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 need to teach their
children
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 to be good members of society.
This
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 solution is effective because
,
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apply
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Parents
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 influence their
children
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 more than anyone else.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that mothers and fathers are the ones who raise and spend most of the time with their
children
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 which dramatically influences the way
children
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 act and think. If
parents
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 act in a good manner, their
children
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 will indirectly imitate them.
For example
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, a study in Britain showed that
children
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 are two times more influenced by their
parents
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 than their teachers.
However
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, I believe that
this
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 is not enough and that
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school
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the school
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 should represent meetings with each individual and help them with their
proplems
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problems
. In conclusion, bullying causes significant social and educational issues. In my opinion,
parents
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 are the best solution to tackle
this
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 problem.
Submitted by erkasiet2008 on

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task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples or statistics to support your points about the causes and solutions of bullying.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly connects to the next for improved coherence.
coherence cohesion
Spend a little more time organizing your arguments so they flow more logically and cohesively.
task achievement
The essay directly addresses the causes of bullying and suggests solutions, which is central to the task's requirements.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion clearly frame the essay, providing a clear starting and ending point for the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Ideas are presented logically, with connections made between bad upbringing, lack of attention, and bullying.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Bullying
  • Harassment
  • Intimidation
  • Diversity
  • Adolescent
  • Mimic
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Cyberbullying
  • Peer pressure
  • Social acceptance
  • Awareness
  • Conflict resolution
  • Peer mediation
  • Consequences
  • Respect
  • Kindness
  • Open communication
  • Vulnerable
  • Buddy system
What to do next:
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