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Band 5

Celebrities are famous for their weath and glamorous lifestyle instead of their achievements. This sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#celebrities #weath #lifestyle #achievements #sets #people
It depends on the
celebrity
, that we are considering
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. The amount of
people
 who are fans of some
celebrity
 might be various, based on each individual case. The more literate and better that
celebrity
 is, the more positive effect it could have on young
people
. But if to talk about famous
people
, who didn't have real important achievements, it might be
dissapointed
Correct your spelling
disappointing
 given their undeserved popularity.
Firstly
, even though some
celebrities
 might be not well educated or not produce something
real
Replace the word
really
show examples
 useful in general, they could advance
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 attitudes, that affect their audience, which
subsequently
 will develop various areas.
In contrast
, the number of
celebrities
 in general is not as great as it would
like
Verb problem
be
show examples
.
Nevertheless
, the majority of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities
 set negative role models.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 Aun, who is a young,rich TikTok
celebrity
 from Ethiopia. He always likes to show off his wealth on his Instagram, expensive cars, luxury
jewelry
Change the spelling
jewellery
show examples
, fancy houses...etc.
In addition
,
this
 causes public dissatisfaction because Ethiopia is an underdeveloped country, and
he
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 doesn't have any contributions to human society. All of his properties are from his parents, which wouldn't be positive for other young
people
. Negative role models can negatively impact teenagers;
additionally
,
this
 might signal to teenagers that the gap between rich and poor cannot be achieved by hard work.
Overall
, there are more notorious
celebrities
.
Celebrities
 earn higher incomes and have fewer contributions to the world. In my opinion,teachers and doctors are the best role models for young
people
.
As a result
, I believe that negative
celebrities
 are bad examples for teenagers.
Submitted by fruitextract on

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coherence cohesion
Attempt to provide a clearer structure and progression of ideas to enhance logical flow.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or case studies to support your arguments. This will strengthen your task response.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps present the argument cohesively.
task achievement
A specific example, such as Aun from Ethiopia, is used effectively to illustrate the point about negative role models.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • prioritize material wealth
  • genuine achievement
  • unrealistic understanding of success
  • significant effort or skill
  • glamorous lifestyle
  • negative self-esteem
  • mental health issues
  • comparing themselves
  • seemingly perfect lives
  • skewed perception of reality
  • promote positive social causes
  • constructive activities
  • positive influence
  • overshadow
  • motivational factor
  • overcome significant challenges
  • perseverance
  • dedication
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