IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Celebrities are famous for their weath and glamorous lifestyle instead of their achievements. This sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#celebrities #weath #lifestyle #achievements #sets #people
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It depends on the
celebrity
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, that we are considering
to
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apply
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. The amount of
people
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 who are fans of some
celebrity
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 might be various, based on each individual case. The more literate and better that
celebrity
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 is, the more positive effect it could have on young
people
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. But if to talk about famous
people
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, who didn't have real important achievements, it might be
dissapointed
Correct your spelling
disappointing
 given their undeserved popularity.
Firstly
Linking Words
, even though some
celebrities
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 might be not well educated or not produce something
real
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really
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 useful in general, they could advance
right
Correct article usage
the right
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 attitudes, that affect their audience, which
subsequently
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 will develop various areas.
In contrast
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, the number of
celebrities
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 in general is not as great as it would
like
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be
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.
Nevertheless
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, the majority of
the
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apply
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celebrities
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 set negative role models.
For
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example
Add a comma
example,
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 Aun, who is a young,rich TikTok
celebrity
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 from Ethiopia. He always likes to show off his wealth on his Instagram, expensive cars, luxury
jewelry
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jewellery
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, fancy houses...etc.
In addition
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,
this
Linking Words
 causes public dissatisfaction because Ethiopia is an underdeveloped country, and
he
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it
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 doesn't have any contributions to human society. All of his properties are from his parents, which wouldn't be positive for other young
people
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. Negative role models can negatively impact teenagers;
additionally
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,
this
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 might signal to teenagers that the gap between rich and poor cannot be achieved by hard work.
Overall
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, there are more notorious
celebrities
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.
Celebrities
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 earn higher incomes and have fewer contributions to the world. In my opinion,teachers and doctors are the best role models for young
people
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.
As a result
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, I believe that negative
celebrities
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 are bad examples for teenagers.
Submitted by fruitextract on

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coherence cohesion
Attempt to provide a clearer structure and progression of ideas to enhance logical flow.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or case studies to support your arguments. This will strengthen your task response.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps present the argument cohesively.
task achievement
A specific example, such as Aun from Ethiopia, is used effectively to illustrate the point about negative role models.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • prioritize material wealth
  • genuine achievement
  • unrealistic understanding of success
  • significant effort or skill
  • glamorous lifestyle
  • negative self-esteem
  • mental health issues
  • comparing themselves
  • seemingly perfect lives
  • skewed perception of reality
  • promote positive social causes
  • constructive activities
  • positive influence
  • overshadow
  • motivational factor
  • overcome significant challenges
  • perseverance
  • dedication
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