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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018.

The graph shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018.
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The line graph provides data on how
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
shops
Use synonyms
 were closed and opened in one particular country in the years 2011 and 2018.
Overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 closures showed a minimal decline over a period,
openings
Use synonyms
 experienced a downward trend. Of particular note, both of them fluctuated. In the beginning,
openings
Use synonyms
leveled
Change the spelling
levelled
show examples
 off
around
Change preposition
at around
show examples
 8,500
shops
Use synonyms
, experiencing a significant drop to 4,000 after a year.
However
Linking Words
, they started to rise and reached just over 6,000 markets in 2013. Meanwhile,
openings
Use synonyms
 fell moderately to 4,000 in 2015.
Although
Linking Words
 they declined,
openings
Use synonyms
 remained the same number of markets until 2016,
then
Linking Words
 showing a small growth to just over 4,000. Yet,
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period,
openings
Use synonyms
 of
shops
Use synonyms
 dropped markedly to 3,000.
Similarly
Linking Words
, closures which stood at about 6,500
shops
Use synonyms
 in 2011, declined slowly to 6,000. In 2013,
though
Correct word choice
although
show examples
 they increased to roughly 7,100, after a year started to drop to around 6,500
shops
Use synonyms
, declining dramatically by about 600 in 2015. But, they rose rapidly to just over 5,000 in 2016.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 closures showed a small fall to 5,000 in the next year, they ended with
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar number of
shops
Use synonyms
 as
2016
Change preposition
in 2016
show examples
(just over 5,000)in 2018.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words shops, openings with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "drop" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just over" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • trend
  • fluctuation
  • peak
  • decline
  • surge
  • stabilize
  • correlation
  • economic conditions
  • consumer behavior
  • technological advancements
  • urban development
  • employment
  • retail sector
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