IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

With the development of social media, more and more youngsters are being allowed unsupervised access to the Internet. What potential problems may this trend lead to? What solutions can you suggest to deal with it?

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The number of young people who have uncontrolled access to the Internet is rising
,
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apply
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 since social
media
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 is increasing day to day.
This
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 essay will first suggest that the biggest problems caused by
this
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 phenomenon are ignoring real life and a possible decrease in productivity and
then
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 argue that paying fines and strict control. Obviously, if youngsters waste time on visual and non-existent heroes in games, they might lose self-esteem and stop improving themselves.
Furthermore
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, by expanding the sources of information on the internet, youngsters harm their mental
health
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.
For instance
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,
according to
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 research about the studying abilities of students at Stanford University, students who used to scroll social
media
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 a lot, have felt less confident and stressed during exams and have admitted that concentrating on long tasks was difficult,
also
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, their exam results were lower by 20% than the results they showed when they did another test. Parents should be responsible and look after their children, as it might be essential in order to prevent consequences
such
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 as
health
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 issues or lower marks.
Moreover
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, strict rules about allowed hours need to be set up by the government to control and help to be more focused on work or study.
For instance
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, in Japan there used to be a rule
according to
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 which young employees and students have access to social
media
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 only after working hours. In conclusion, widespread use of social
media
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 might lead to problems in society among teenagers and children
such
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 as having problems both with mental
health
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 and physical
health
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 and being less productive,
however
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, setting up fines who spend more than allowed and have severe control over
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
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 can prevent possible consequences.

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task response
Ensure that solutions are clearly aligned with the problems identified in the essay. You mentioned fines but didn't clearly explain how this would work, especially regarding monitoring internet usage. Consider expanding on how governmental rules can be enforced.
relevant specific examples
Your essay mentions fines, which are not fully developed or relevantly connected to the main ideas explored. Providing more depth and different examples would enhance the specificity and relevance.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, main body paragraphs, and a conclusion, providing an organized framework for your ideas.
complete response
You adequately addressed both parts of the task, identifying potential problems and providing solutions.
logical structure
The essay mostly maintains a logical progression of ideas, with a clear connection between internet usage and its effects on youngsters.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • unsupervised access
  • inappropriate content
  • cyberbullying
  • anonymity
  • technology addiction
  • screen time
  • physical health
  • mental health
  • privacy concerns
  • predatory individuals
  • self-image
  • social withdrawal
  • emotional consequences
  • real-life relationships
  • unrealistic comparisons
What to do next:
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