IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

in some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

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The obesity rate is rising in some countries worldwide, which is negatively affecting people's health and body fitness
accordingly
Linking Words
. In my perspective, gaining weight is one of the major health problems in the universe. It might be
due to
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 several factors
such
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 as the increase in the number of
restaurants
Use synonyms
 especially junk food
restaurants
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, the variety of the delivery applications and the accessibility to order through them, and nowadays, a lot of
restaurants
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 and cafes are providing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
drive-thru service which
also
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 I
think
Add the particle
think to
show examples
 make the order of food much easier for the community.
for example
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, one of the famous,
cheep
Correct your spelling
cheap
show examples
 and delicious burger
restaurants
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 is widely distributed in my city which makes it reachable with low effort and low cost. Other factors could be in my opinion that humans are considered to have a sedentary lifestyle, and actually, it can be related to the hot climate or very cold weather, long working hours which affect the rest of the hours of the day , high fees to pay for the gym in some places, busy life like working mothers who are taking care of their children beside their job. In conclusion, To solve people's weight gain, adults and families should manage the frequency of having meals from
restaurants
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 by counting the total needed calories ,preparing healthy meals and snacks for the whole week , doing some exercises
such
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 as walking or Zomba or even dancing to burn calories and keep well.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Try to ensure that each paragraph of your essay has a clear central topic to improve logical structure. For example, dedicate a paragraph solely to causes and another solely to solutions.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples or statistics to support your points and strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Aim to balance the discussion of causes and solutions more evenly for a more comprehensive response.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction that sets up the topic of rising obesity and its health impacts.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay appropriately concludes with practical measures that can be implemented to address the problem.
Task Achievement
There is a good attempt to explain multiple factors contributing to the issue, such as lifestyle and restaurant availability.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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