IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message? Write at least 250 words.

#cultures #children #message
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Western cultures often emphasize that
children
 should try hard to achieve their dreams. Society
believe
Change the verb form
believes
show examples
 that
this
 can boost their motivation to be diligent
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and boost their confidence to chase them.
However
, it seems to me that there are some merits and demerits
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 statement.
Therefore
, in
this
 essay, I will present some advantages and disadvantages which will be set out below. Giving a message to
children
 to reach for the stars has been implemented by many people in the western continent. Parents will give positive encouragement
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 them as they believe it will help them to develop well.
For instance
,
instead
 of scolding their
children
 for not doing well at school, they will support them verbally. They will say something
in
Change preposition
along
show examples
 the lines of "
it
Capitalize word
It
show examples
 just needs to take some time, but I know you can do it".
This
 typical encouragement is believed to have a positive impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
.
On the contrary
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
telling
children
this
 message will not help them to be successful. Without any proper discipline, they can turn into lazy pupils
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 think that everything is going to be just fine without doing anything.
For example
, Western parents do not scold their
children
that
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 often compared to Asians. As Asians, when things are going south, Asian parents will not give a positive reinforcement,
instead
, they will force us to solve it on our own.
This
 results in Asian
children
 usually being more independent than Western
children
. Ultimately, considering both upsides and downsides, it is important to encourage
children
 to work hard for their dreams.
However
, the crucial part is to discipline them so that they grow into good individuals.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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style
Ensure consistency in tone and style throughout the essay. The use of 'we' and 'us' in one part of the essay shifts the tone to a more informal one, which should be avoided in academic writing.
content
Try to maintain a balanced perspective by providing more nuanced examples and acknowledging exceptions to your points. This can help present a well-rounded argument.
coherence
Enhance logical structure by meticulously connecting each paragraph’s idea to the main argument clearly, ensuring cohesion across all sections.
structure
The essay has a clear and effective introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the argument well.
content
The examples used are relevant and aid in illustrating the points being made.
task response
You've successfully maintained focus on the topic, consistently addressing both advantages and disadvantages as required.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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