IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Extreme sports such as sky diving and rock climbing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#sports #sky #rock
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Nowadays, more and more dangerous activities become popular, especially among young
people
Use synonyms
. Unfortunately, it
also
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 brings more deaths.
That is
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 why some believe it is necessary to forbid
such
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 kinds of
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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. I argue that extreme doing
such
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 as rafting, rallying,
mountain
Correct word choice
and mountain
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 climbing help
people
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relived
Verb problem
relieve
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 the routine pressure,
throw
Correct word choice
and throw
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 out the adrenaline.
Therefore
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, it is necessary to better control these actions, but don’t
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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put a bun at all.
Firstly
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, society needs dangerous sports to distract from family or
works
Correct subject-verb agreement
work
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 problems.
While
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person
Correct article usage
a person
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concentrate
Change the verb form
concentrates
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 on
danger
Correct article usage
the danger
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 act, he cannot think about anything else.
For example
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, during rally racing the driver and navigator focus only on the highway and the road.
Hence
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 sportsmen can relieve all the unhappiness and troubles, which generally has a beneficial effect on mental health.
This
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one
Add a missing verb
is one
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 of the reasons why extreme
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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play
Change the verb form
plays
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important
Add an article
an important
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 role and should not be prohibited.
Due to
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 the great craving for extreme sports,
people
Use synonyms
 will always be attracted to it and will do it even illegally.
Secondly
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, decreases in deaths can be achieved in other less radical ways
such
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government
Change preposition
as government
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 control. Dangerous activity could be certified for safety and compliance with standards.
Moreover
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,
Correct determiner usage
those participate
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participate
Wrong verb form
participating
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 in different sports should only
prepared
Add a missing verb
be prepared
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 persons,
which
Fix the agreement mistake
who
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 conduct specific briefings and trainings,
this
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 will allow them to be qualitatively protected. In conclusion, it is highly important
secure
Add the particle
to secure
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 extreme kinds of sport by suitable government policy. And at the same time leave the opportunity for
people
Use synonyms
 to release adrenaline in
this
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 way, and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not keep it to themselves, because it can cause even sadder consequences.
Submitted by Baki on

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General
Aim to make your introduction slightly clearer. While it states your position, refining the clarity can better guide the reader from the outset.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph directly aligns with a main point from your introduction and conclusion. While this is mostly done well, some sections have ideas that wander and need clearer connection to the main argument.
Language
Improve the clarity of your ideas by minimizing minor language errors, such as verb tense inconsistencies and word choice ('relieved' instead of 'relived'). These can slightly confuse the reader.
Task Achievement
Provide more concrete and detailed examples to better support your main points and develop your ideas further, helping to make your case stronger.
Structure
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, while advocating for not banning extreme sports entirely.
Content
You have made a good attempt to provide reasons why extreme sports are beneficial for mental health and offered some solutions to mitigate risks.
Task Achievement
It is effective the way you relate people's need for distraction through extreme sports to benefits for mental health, which adds depth to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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