IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays children mostly spend time playing computer rather than sports.

Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that many adults
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
been growing obsession with
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 rather than outdoor
activities
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.
While
Linking Words
 some
people
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 consider
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
effects
positively
Change the word
positive
show examples
, other
suggests
Change the verb form
suggest
show examples
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been influencing negatively . Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 could be more beneficial than outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 for well-being. These days , adults
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
been learning how to manage
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 and
computer
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 programs.
Moreover
Linking Words
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of
activities
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 not only contribute to
improve
Change the verb form
improving
show examples
 their
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
 skills but these skills
also
Linking Words
 lend a hand
to address
Change preposition
in addressing
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
issues during
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tough situations. On top of that these
people
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 could
be differ
Change the verb form
differ
show examples
 from other
children
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 who are interested in more outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
computer
Use synonyms
games
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also
Linking Words
 contribute to
improve
Change the verb form
improving
show examples
 their well-structured opinions
Correct pronoun usage
which
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
means
Change the verb form
mean
show examples
 that improve their intelligence and critical thinking. In turn,
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of
activities
Use synonyms
 will influence
Correct pronoun usage
me
show examples
to
better
Add a missing verb
do better
show examples
 at work and study . On top of that, there are various reasons why some
people
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 consider
as
Correct pronoun usage
these as
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
detrimental
activities
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 for
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 mental health. So many
children
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has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 mostly spent their time with unnecessary and stressful
games
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such
Linking Words
 as free fire , contr and other online
games
Use synonyms
 on a screen during the day. These indoor
activities
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 lead to some serious issues from bad posture,
vision
Correct word choice
and vision
show examples
 impairment to overweightness. These
activities
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 ,
as a result
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,
causes
Correct subject-verb agreement
cause
show examples
wrong development and one-dimensional thinking.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 indoor
activities
Use synonyms
 could be detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
balance
Add an article
the balance
a balance
show examples
 of life
such
Linking Words
 as socializing and would be
difficulties
Replace the word
difficult
show examples
 to make new friends. So
children
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 should be balanced for
overall
Linking Words
 well-being and with their intelligence . In conclusion,
although
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 others suggested
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 have more disadvantages
however
Linking Words
 in my opinion these
activities
Use synonyms
 would be useful for mental stability equally.

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task achievement
To improve task response, ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the prompt. Focus on developing a balanced view with more comprehensive arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on structuring your introduction and conclusion more clearly. Clearly outline the main points you will discuss and conclude your arguments effectively.
task achievement
Try to elaborate on your main points with more specific examples and explanations for a stronger task response.
task achievement
Your essay presents both sides of the argument, which is important for a balanced view.
task achievement
You mention the potential benefits and drawbacks of computer games for children, which demonstrates a recognition of the complexity of the issue.
coherence cohesion
There is an attempt to structure your essay with clear paragraphs, which aids in coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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