IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

‏he top priority of businesses is making money, and they do not need to have social resbonsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#‏he #priority #businesses #money #resbonsibilities
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‏Businesses are an indispensable part of
people
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's lives. There is a frequently discussed issue of whether it is crucial to have
money
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 from businesses, or whether individuals should have social responsibilities. I firmly believe that businesses have a pivotal role in economic and health growth.
This
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 essay will explore
this
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 phenomenon in more detail, supported by relevant examples. ‏
To begin
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, critics
if
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apply
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contend that if
people
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 do not need to have social responsibilities, they definitely can't balance between their personal and
profession
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professional
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 life.
For example
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, a report indicated by UNESCO,
some
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that some
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people
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, especially women have
difficulities
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difficulties
 to
concentrate
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concentrating
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between
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on
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 work and house tasks when they pay attention to business to gain some
money
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.
Consequently
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,
this
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 may cause some issues in communities,
such
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 as divorce.‏
On the other hand
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, there is a growing preference among the population for businesses. They think that it has
undienable
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undeniable
undeniably
 benefits including
increase
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an increase
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their
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in their
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income
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.
For instance
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,‏
corrding
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according
 to an American Educational Association survey conducted
that
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apply
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90% of individuals who have their own business are
earing
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earning
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 good
income
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.
As a result
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,
this
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 might stimulate
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the creating
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creating
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creation
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jobs
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of jobs
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 and
strengthing
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strengthen
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 the financial stabilities of the nation.
Furthermore
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, the outcomes of
money
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 are not limited only to
country
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the country
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 but
also
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 have a
profund
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profound
 impact on
people
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's health. When they have
money
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, They can reduce their stress and anxiety. A study conducted at Glasgow University illustrates that there is a big
differences
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difference
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 between
people
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 who have high
income
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 and low
incerne
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income
 as high
income
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 contributes to
help
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helping
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 them to provide their needs.
Thus
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,
people
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 can accelerate a sense of over
well being
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well-being
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 and comfort. In conclusion,
although
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 making
lousinesses
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businesses
 could have certain challenges, I strongly agree that it is important for a thriving economy and health.
Therefore
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, the
governmet
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government
play
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plays
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vital
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a vital
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 role in supporting
people
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 to do private projects and
works
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work
show examples
.
Submitted by 13570581 on

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coherence cohesion
Pay closer attention to sentence structure and grammar to ensure clarity. Double check for typos and punctuation errors to enhance readability.
task achievement
Although your arguments are well-presented, try to include more specific examples and data to strengthen your points. This will demonstrate depth of analysis.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a well-structured introduction and conclusion, providing a clear statement of the writer's stance and a summary of the arguments presented.
task achievement
You have attempted to balance the discussion by presenting opposing views about businesses and social responsibilities, which helps to give a comprehensive view.
task achievement
The essay addresses the main issues effectively and presents a clear view on the topic, suggesting that businesses have significant economic benefits.
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