IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays children mostly spend time playing computer games rather than sports. Is it a positive or negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It depends, because
people
Use synonyms
 who spend a
lot
Use synonyms
 of time on things that
not
Add a missing verb
do not
show examples
 boost them up, perhaps are exhausted by daily affairs, or are trying to distract themselves by playing
computer
Use synonyms
. It would be incorrect to just say that
people
Use synonyms
 who do not do any
sports
Use synonyms
, waste time.
Firstly
Linking Words
, various activities could develop
people
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 different ways, which are not similar to one another. On the one hand, there are some positive sights playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
. First and foremost, it develops their problem-solving skills. As some
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are difficult and have some challenges
children
Use synonyms
 need to tackle these challenges with themselves without anyone's help.
As a result
Linking Words
, they improve their problem-solving skills. Adding to
this
Linking Words
, it develops their concept of
computers
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, when
children
Use synonyms
 play
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 they should know
computers
Use synonyms
 as they use these
computers
Use synonyms
 when they play online
games
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, if they do not know how to use a
computer
Use synonyms
 they can not play video
games
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, by playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 they are to learn
computers
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I think there are more negative sights than positive. First of all, playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 can cause some health problems ranging from bad posture, overweightness and vision impairment.
For instance
Linking Words
,
computer
Use synonyms
 screens give out light and when
children
Use synonyms
 sit in front of the
computer
Use synonyms
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
 will have eyesight from the light which gives out the
computer
Use synonyms
 screen. So if young
people
Use synonyms
 do
sports
Use synonyms
 activities like tennis
instead
Linking Words
 of playing video
games
Use synonyms
 it not happen. Engaging in
sports
Use synonyms
 helps
children
Use synonyms
 make a
lot
Use synonyms
 of friends.
For example
Linking Words
, if young
people
Use synonyms
 spend their time only playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
 will be introverted.
However
Linking Words
, if
this
Linking Words
 child does
sports
Use synonyms
 activities
this
Linking Words
 child will make a
lot
Use synonyms
 of friends.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 child will not be introverted. In conclusion, despite the positive sights, I believe that there are more negative effects than positives

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure each paragraph flows logically by using more linking words and phrases. Although your ideas are clear, organizing them more systematically would aid readability.
task response
For task response, ensure all aspects of the topic are clearly addressed and provide a balanced discussion of both sides before concluding firmly on one side.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and acknowledges that the impact of gaming can be both positive and negative. This sets a balanced tone for the essay.
task achievement
The essay offers specific examples, such as the development of problem-solving skills and health issues from gaming, which strengthen your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • allure
  • captivate
  • supervise
  • accessible
  • scarcity
  • safer alternative
  • peer pressure
  • educational tools
  • cognitive skills
  • implications
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • hand-eye coordination
  • problem-solving abilities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: