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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Computers are being used more and more in education. Some people say that this is a positive trend, while others argue that it is leading to negative consequences. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#computers #education #people #trend #consequences
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One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is how
students
 can get a quality
education
 in
school
 or should still take courses. It is undeniable that
education
 has become an essential part of our life. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will
discuse
Correct your spelling
discuss
both of
these view
Change the determiner
this view
these views
show examples
 and give
own
Correct pronoun usage
my own
show examples
 opinion.
Firstly
, the majority of the population believes that
school
education
 is not provided at the level that would be desired. They put forward many reasons, the main one being student results.
In addition
, in their opinion, teachers with higher
education
 study with
students
 in learning
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 and not in schools.
For example
, they report that those who take additional courses at
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 perform well on the exam. I see
this
 situation in my country every year when
students
 take exams in universities and high schools.
Therefore
, today parents take care of the
education
 of their
students
 and organize extra classes for them by hiring teachers or enrolling them in learning centers.
On the other hand
, some people claim that
school
education
 is one of the best in the world in many aspects of
education
. They believe that
students
 should receive quality
education
 in
school
 rather than by going to other private schools. They think that
students
 who are willing to learn will be able to achieve their goals in
school
.
According to
 them,
students
 outside urban cities perform well in exams.
This
 proves to us how important the amount of schooling is in
this
 day and age. In conclusion, taking all of the above into account, I would say that both people's opinions are important, but I tend to support parents not having to organize extracurricular activities. they should save their children's time and their financial situation by thinking that
school
education
 is enough for
students
.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph is clearly connected to the next. Consider using more transitional words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Ensure each main point is supported with specific examples and explanations to strengthen your task response.
task achievement
Work on developing a more comprehensive viewpoint on your opinion and conclusion. Clearly state how both sides of the argument are evaluated and how your stance relates to this evaluation.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which helped to frame your argument effectively.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates an understanding of the task and attempts to address both views equally.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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