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Band 7

nowadays many people use social media do you think advantages of this outweigh the drawbacks

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In recent years the number of
people
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 who use social
media
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 has grown enormously. Some argue that
this
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 phenomenon has a huge number of advantages,
such
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 as communication with interesting
people
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, making new friends and entertainment.
However
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, I strongly believe that the drawbacks of
this
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 ranging from wasting
time
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 to online bullying exceed the benefits.
This
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 essay will explore both the pros and cons of
this
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 theme and give its own perspective.
To begin
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 with, there are a myriad of benefits of using social
media
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.
Firstly
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, social
media
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 gives an opportunity to talk with a lot of interesting
people
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.
For example
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, because of Instagram my classmate talked to Damian Musk and asked him whether he could make an online conference about quantum physics.
Consequently
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, members of our school learned much more about
this
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 subject from a Caltech student.
Secondly
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, some
people
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 are scared of real live conversations, being introverts.
However
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, using social
media
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 they can talk to human beings online, without being afraid.
Finally
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, after a hard day at work, humans can get the relaxation and the necessary amount of dopamine. To illustrate, coming home from a job with a bad mood may be improved by watching funny videos on YouTube.
Conversely
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, it is important to recognize that usage of social
media
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 has some drawbacks.
For instance
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,
instead
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 of studying or doing sports,
people
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 may waste their
time
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, by spending a huge number of hours on social
media
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. To illustrate, before perceiving that I spend too much
time
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 with messengers, I usually spend three hours per day scrolling through short videos.
Additionally
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, no one is safe from online bullying, anyone can get abysmal comments on their posts, which may cause depression and other psychological issues.
Moreover
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, spending too much
time
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 on a phone may lead to eye diseases or even full blindness. In conclusion,
although
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 social
media
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 has a lot of advantages like making new friends and connecting with
people
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, I firmly assert that the drawbacks of
this
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, ranging from wasting
such
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 crucial
time
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 to health diseases and being bullied outweigh the merits.
Therefore
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, it is vital to distinguish that we should not spend that much
time
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 on social
media
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.

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task achievement
Try to include more varied examples to support each point, showcasing a broader understanding of the issue.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the linkage between ideas and paragraphs using a wider range of cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument.
task achievement
Main points are logically structured and supported with relevant examples.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • revolutionized communication
  • instant messaging
  • video calls
  • educational tools
  • information and resources
  • social and political issues
  • wider reach
  • targeted advertising
  • mental health
  • productivity
  • privacy concerns
  • data breaches
  • misuse of personal information
  • identity theft
  • financial loss
  • misinformation
  • social panic
  • harmful ideologies
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