IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

At the present time, the population of some countries include relatively a large number of young adult, compared with the number of older person. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adult #person #situation
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I think a relatively larger
number
 of young
adult
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adults
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 compare to
number
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a number
the number
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 of older
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 has more advantages.
This
 circumstance is called demographic bonus to explain a favour situation when
workers
Correct article usage
the workers
show examples
 population is the largest group of
people
 in one country.
First,
it creates a
high
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highly
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 productive community. Even though it depends on the availability of jobs, in general young generation is identical with
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
quantitiy
Correct your spelling
quantity
 of workforce. A huge
number
 of
employee
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employees
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 will easily support the old
people
 and children.
Second,
young
people
tends
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tend
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 to be healthier.
Therefore
, the healthcare budget supported by the government does not have to be large. The country could use
money
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the money
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to
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for
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other thing
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another thing
other things
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such
 as building or road development
to
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for
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 education enhancement in order to
raice
Correct your spelling
raise
 human resources quality.
Third,
a huge
number
 of young
people
 reflects that the country is growing since young
people
 could give birth to the next generation. It creates hope and enjoyment within the
people
.
For example
, in my family, it is
alwas
Correct your spelling
always
 a joy for my mother
meeting
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to meet
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 her grandchildren since they reflect a bright future.
Giving
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Given
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those three reason
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that three reason
those three reasons
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 I believe it is obvious that a larger young adult is better than too many older
people
.
Submitted by edna.c.pattisina on

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the benefits and drawbacks to provide a balanced view. This will make your response appear more comprehensive.
task achievement
Work on presenting specific examples to support your points. This will strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your main points are more clearly organized and supported throughout the essay. Consider using linking words consistently to enhance flow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly establishes the topic and your stance that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
task achievement
You provide relevant points, such as improved productivity, healthcare savings, and population growth potentials, which are ideas relevant to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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