IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

At the present time, the population of some countries include relatively a large number of young adult, compared with the number of older person. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
I think a relatively larger
number
Use synonyms
 of young
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
 compare to
Use synonyms
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of older
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 has more advantages.
This
Linking Words
 circumstance is called demographic bonus to explain a favour situation when
workers
Correct article usage
the workers
show examples
 population is the largest group of
people
Use synonyms
 in one country.
Body paragraph 1
First,
Linking Words
it creates a
high
Replace the word
highly
show examples
 productive community. Even though it depends on the availability of jobs, in general young generation is identical with
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
quantitiy
Correct your spelling
quantity
 of workforce. A huge
number
Use synonyms
 of
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
 will easily support the old
people
Use synonyms
 and children.
Body paragraph 2
Second,
Linking Words
young
people
Use synonyms
tends
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
 to be healthier.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the healthcare budget supported by the government does not have to be large. The country could use
money
Add an article
the money
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
other thing
Change the wording
another thing
other things
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as building or road development
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 education enhancement in order to
raice
Correct your spelling
raise
 human resources quality.
Body paragraph 3
Third,
Linking Words
a huge
number
Use synonyms
 of young
people
Use synonyms
 reflects that the country is growing since young
people
Use synonyms
 could give birth to the next generation. It creates hope and enjoyment within the
people
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, in my family, it is
alwas
Correct your spelling
always
 a joy for my mother
meeting
Change the verb form
to meet
show examples
 her grandchildren since they reflect a bright future.
Conclusion
Giving
Replace the word
Given
show examples
those three reason
Change the determiner
that three reason
those three reasons
show examples
 I believe it is obvious that a larger young adult is better than too many older
people
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the benefits and drawbacks to provide a balanced view. This will make your response appear more comprehensive.
task achievement
Work on presenting specific examples to support your points. This will strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your main points are more clearly organized and supported throughout the essay. Consider using linking words consistently to enhance flow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly establishes the topic and your stance that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
task achievement
You provide relevant points, such as improved productivity, healthcare savings, and population growth potentials, which are ideas relevant to the topic.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • population
  • young adults
  • older persons
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • economic growth
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • businesses
  • technology
  • job creation
  • dynamic
  • labor force
  • compete
  • globally
  • health care
  • social services
  • manageable
  • pressure
  • enough jobs
  • frustration
  • social unrest
  • education
  • training
  • government resources
  • jobs
  • graduates
  • experienced
  • workforce
  • mentorship
  • guidance
  • employees
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