IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The amount of sport shown on television every week has increased significantly and this is having an impact on live sports events. Do you think the benefit of having more televised sports are greater than the disadvantages?

#amount #sport #television #week #impact #sports #events #benefit
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is no denying the fact that various types of
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 shows are displayed on television.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that the
sports
Use synonyms
 shown on television
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 soared, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument claiming that
rate
Correct article usage
the rate
show examples
 will impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
live
sports
Use synonyms
 events.
This
Linking Words
 essay will analyze
this
Linking Words
 topic from both points of view and express my opinion. On one hand, it is actually accurate that
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 shows have increased in recent years.
In other words
Linking Words
, the news of football and basketball teams
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 dominated our
screen
Fix the agreement mistake
screens
show examples
 recently, and the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
teams
Change the noun form
team
show examples
 fans
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 increasing significantly
due to
Linking Words
the
Change to a genitive case
the popularity of the sport
the sport's popularity
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 popularity.
However
Linking Words
,
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
TV shows influenced people to practise these
sports
Use synonyms
 and enhance their muscles to be professionals.
For example
Linking Words
, children these days tend to play football or tennis with their friends daily, in order to be good as their
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 stars. Another point to consider is that
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 shows may leave an adverse impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the audience;
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 fanaticism,
tense
Replace the word
tension
show examples
 issues, laziness and other health problems
due to
Linking Words
 several factors.
Therefore
Linking Words
, studies encourage the
sports
Use synonyms
 audience to not be deeply involved with these games.
For instance
Linking Words
, if there is an individual who suffers from heart issues,
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 fanaticism will affect his/her heart deeply. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
Linking Words
 question. On balance,
however
Linking Words
, despite people having different points of view, I'm convinced that moderation is required when it comes to
sports
Use synonyms
 shows.
In addition
Linking Words
, awareness is essential to protect
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 health and enhance our
sport
Use synonyms
 environment.
Submitted by omima7a7md on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to address all parts of the question. You have discussed the benefits and drawbacks, but ensure you clearly state why you think one outweighs the other.
task achievement
Use more varied vocabulary to clearly express ideas and arguments. This will help in making your essay more engaging.
task achievement
Continue to provide specific examples and details to support your main points, as this strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
Review your essay to ensure your ideas are logically linked between paragraphs. Consider using more cohesive devices to improve the flow.
coherence cohesion
Make sure every paragraph has a clear main idea and that it relates back to the overall question. Adhering to a consistent structure ensures clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
task achievement
You attempted to consider both perspectives of the question, showcasing a balanced view.
task achievement
The examples about children playing sports and the potential health impacts of fanaticism were relevant and enhanced the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: