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Band 7.5

Video games are very popular among the young today. This might be a reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What's your opinion on this point of view? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It is argued that
video
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games
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 have become extremely popular among young
people
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 and may be responsible for the increase in
violence
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 and crime in many major cities.
This
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 essay will argue that violent
video
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games
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 can have a negative influence on young
people
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 by encouraging aggressive
behaviour
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 and making them less sensitive to
violence
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. Violent
video
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games
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 can negatively influence young
people
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’s
behaviour
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, particularly if they spend a significant amount of time playing them. The first thing is that many
video
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games
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 contain elements of fighting, killing, and aggression, which may influence the way young players think.
As a result
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, they may become less sensitive to
violence
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 and gradually begin to view aggressive
behaviour
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 as acceptable.
For example
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, a teenager who spends several hours every day playing violent shooting
games
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 may start to solve conflicts aggressively by pushing or hitting classmates
instead
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 of talking calmly.
However
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, most players understand the difference between the virtual world and real life, so they do not become criminals simply because they play
video
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games
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. The main causes of
violence
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 and crime are more closely related to family and social issues than entertainment. Children who grow up in violent families and receive little parental guidance are more likely to develop aggressive
behaviour
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.
In addition
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, poverty, unemployment, and peer pressure can push some young
people
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 towards criminal activities.
For instance
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, a teenager who grows up in a violent family and receives little supervision may join a local gang and become involved in theft or assault because of peer pressure and the lack of parental guidance.
Therefore
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, blaming
video
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games
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 alone ignores the more significant factors behind
violence
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 in society. In conclusion,
although
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 violent
video
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games
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 may have some negative effects on young
people
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's attitudes and
behaviour
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, I do not believe that they are the primary cause of
violence
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 and crime. Parents and society should focus more on providing children with proper guidance and a healthy environment so that they can become responsible adults.

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task response
Make your main view even more clear in the first part. Say early that games are not the main cause.
task response
Add one more short example with real life or common facts to make your ideas stronger.
task response
In body paragraph 1, explain a bit more how game play can lead to aggressive acts.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Some lines like 'The first thing is that' sound less natural.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph starts with one clear main idea and then follow it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
You can use a clearer link between paragraph 1 and paragraph 2 to show contrast.
task response
You answer the question fully and give a clear opinion.
task response
Your ideas are relevant and stay on the topic.
task response
You use examples to support both sides of the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Most sentences connect well and the message is clear.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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