Video games are very popular among the young today. This might be a reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What's your opinion on this point of view? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It is argued that
video
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games
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have become extremely popular among young
people
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and may be responsible for the increase in
violence
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and crime in many major cities.
This
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essay will argue that violent
video
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games
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can have a negative influence on young
people
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by encouraging aggressive
behaviour
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and making them less sensitive to
violence
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. Violent
video
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games
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may have a negative impact on young
people
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’s
behaviour
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, especially if they spend a large amount of time playing them. The first thing is that many
video
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games
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contain
senses
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elements
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of fighting, killing, and aggression, which may influence the way young players think.
As a result
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, they may become less sensitive to
violence
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and gradually begin to view aggressive
behaviour
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as acceptable.
For example
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, some teenagers may imitate violent actions or use aggressive language from the
games
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when interacting with their friends at school.
However
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, most players understand the difference between the virtual world and real life, so they do not become criminals simply because they play
video
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games
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. The main causes of
violence
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and crime are more closely related to family and social issues than entertainment. Children who grow up in violent families
are
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and
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receive little parental guidance are more likely to develop aggressive
behaviour
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.
In addition
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, poverty, unemployment, and peer pressure can push some young
people
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towards criminal activities.
For instance
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, many teenagers who commit crimes come from disadvantaged backgrounds where they lack education and positive role models.
Therefore
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, blaming
video
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games
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alone ignores the more significant factors behind
violence
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in society. In conclusion,
although
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violent
video
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games
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may have some negative effects on young
people
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's attitudes and
behaviour
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, I do not believe that they are the primary cause of
violence
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and crime. Parents and society should focus more on providing children with proper guidance and a healthy environment so that they can become responsible adults.

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task response
Make your main view even more clear in the first body part and keep it strong all through the essay.
task response
Add one more clear and real example to make your ideas stronger.
task response
Check small grammar parts because one or two wrong lines make the meaning less smooth.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words a bit more carefully so each idea joins the next one in a natural way.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each body part starts with one very clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Fix unclear parts like 'are receive' and 'senses of fighting' because they break the flow.
task response
You answer the question and give your opinion clearly.
task response
Your ideas stay on the topic from start to end.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one main focus.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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