IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians, or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other type of job should be highly paid?

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It is argued by some that
celebrities
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receive
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such
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 as actors and singers are receiving more
money
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. In my opinion, it is true that they make more
money
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 in comparison to their values. I completely agree that
this
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 extra
money
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 should be allocated to other people who need
this
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money
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 . Nowadays, the propagation of economic inflation is more than in the past, mostly paid for by
celebrities
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 should be budgeted for financial support to aid poor individuals and invest
this
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moneymoney
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money
 in projects which return back with income so can be added benefits for countries.
However
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, some entertainers are talented
entertain
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entertainers
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 people, and
also
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 they work hard on themselves in
order
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 to be on the top. To illustrate
this
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, I noticed that in some developed countries,
celebrities
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 are rich, and their socio-economic status higher ten times that of 50% of the country's inhabitants, which is unfair. There are other specialities that earn less than entertainers,
such
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 as scientists, surgeons, and engineers. In my perspective, they deserve to earn much more
money
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due to
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 their vital role in preserving society. Compared to
celebrities
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, they may be working more hours and making more effort, in
order
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 to serve their community.
Consequently
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, to motivate them, their wages should increase, in
order
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 to appreciate them.
For example
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,
last
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 five years, some professionals in Sudan, have tended to migrate to foreign countries because the governments were not paying
good
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apply
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a good salary to them, so they moved to the US and the UK, in
order
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 to improve their living. I’m In conclusion, I believe that justifying an individual's income is an example of the distribution of fortune in society. I think engineers and doctors should receive more
money
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 because they have essential roles.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your essay develops a clear, logical structure by organizing your paragraphs effectively. Consider separating different ideas into distinct paragraphs to enhance clarity and coherence.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. While the essay includes general statements, using concrete examples will strengthen your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider refining your thesis statement in the introduction. Clearly state your position and briefly mention the main arguments you will discuss in your essay.
Task Achievement
The essay covers both aspects of the prompt: the high salaries of celebrities and alternative professions that deserve higher pay, which fulfills the task requirements.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide an overall understanding of the writer’s perspective, contributing to a complete essay structure.
Task Achievement
The arguments presented in favor of paying more to vital professions such as scientists, surgeons, and engineers are relevant and align well with the essay topic.
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